Sunday, 14 October 2012

Love Truths.....

I have no qualifications for writing this, other than years of experience and observation of others, and an analytical mind!  Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but.... love, men mostly treat women much worse than women do men.  That’s mostly, not always. 

You can’t change people.  If someone is going to moderate bad behaviour to make your relationship work, it has to be their own choice. 

People either fancy someone or they don’t.  Chemistry is a weird thing; it’s either there or it’s not.  You can’t make someone fancy you if you leave them cold.  If you get super-dolled up (men or women!) they might think you look nice, but they still won’t have the serious hots for you.  However, you can work at bringing yourself to the attention of someone who hasn’t noticed you – yet … 

You have to work 10 times harder than normal to make a success of a relationship with any sort of addict, be the addiction drink, drugs, gambling, or whatever.  Is it worth it?  I used to think 'well, Sharon hung on in there with Ozzy, and came out the other side'.  Then I saw sense....

In any relationship, there is always one who kisses and one who turns the cheek.  Even if the power seems to change from time to time, one always loves slightly more than the other.

However bad it feels right now, you will get over it.  Every day you struggle through is a day closer to getting there. 

You know those magazine articles that tell you that if someone says ‘x’ they really mean ‘z’?  Like, if someone says, “I need a bit of time on my own, y'know, I just need a bit of space” it really means “I’m seeing someone else”?  You know how you go, oh yes, ha ha ha, that's so true!! – then, when someone repeats this cliché to you, you find yourself believing (hoping) that they really do just want some space?  Sorry, but you were right the first time – they’re seeing someone else.

You can’t stop yourself being in love with someone if you are.  You can stop yourself seeing them, start up distracting dalliances with other people, tell yourself its wrong and therefore must not happen, but to deny the love is pointless.  Once that roller coaster ride has begun, you can't get off until it's over....

If someone tells you they’re not looking for a relationship right now, it usually means they’re not looking for a relationship with you.

Women will leave a relationship if they are unhappy within it, although this might mean being alone for a while.  Men stick it out until they have another woman to go to.  So yes – sadly, there probably is someone else, or at least someone he hopes will soon become his 'somebody else'.

If someone is violent/threatening towards you, you should leave them immediately, even if it means sleeping on someone’s sofa for three months.  Staying with them will at best do lasting damage to your self-esteem, and at worst get you seriously injured/killed. 

If you've been lonely for a long time and you want to find a new partner, go and do a load of other stuff.  Anything - just don't make finding a new partner your main objective in life.  Such desperation is off-putting.

Recovery from heartbreak usually goes through five stages: shock, grief, anger, acceptance and resolution.  You can zig-zag between these phases, though.  You’ll also have good days and bad days; make the most of the good ones and do as much as you can to push your life on to its next phase.

Not sure where you stand?  Don’t spend hours analyzing someone’s motives/true feelings.  If they really want to be with you, you’ll know about it.

Loads of people have office crushes.  Don’t worry about it; it makes the working day more fun.  Much of the time, you probably wouldn’t fancy that person, in particular, if you met them outside work.  Some people meet their long term partners at work, but thousands more have ludicrous crushes.

Take heart - there really, really is  
someone for everyone.

If someone hasn’t responded to your voicemail message/text/email/message on Facebook, it’s because they don’t want to (in love, I mean – a friend might just be busy!).

If someone is hounding you and you’re not interested, tell them straight.  Don’t keep them on a string just to boost your ego/provide company when you’re lonely.  It’s cruel, and if they’re not getting the message, who knows; you could end up with your very own stalker.  Won’t be quite so much fun, then.

When life’s at its most bleak, remember this – you can fall in love again.  He/she doesn’t have to be the only person you will ever love, if you get out there and live and open your mind and heart to others.  You can be just as happy with someone else, and you will, if you allow yourself to be so.

Just for Men

If a woman tells you you’re ‘too nice’, it means that a) you’re a pushover b) she doesn’t fancy you, and c) you’re getting on her nerves.

A woman will be comfortable with you seeing her with no make-up and dressed in her leisurewear approximately two years before she will be comfortable with you seeing her in a shower cap.

Want to make her go off you?  Do these things:    Fart in front of her.   Tell her how attractive you think her friend is.    Let her down.   Don’t bother about her birthday.   Fail to keep up with personal hygiene.

‘New Man’ and ‘getting in touch with your feminine side’ is okay, but don’t let it slide into wimpy.  Wimpy is SO not sexy.  We were made to be different, after all (nb, the man in the photo below is SO not wimpy).

Most women have the same view of men who put it about all over the place, as men do of women who do similar.  It doesn’t make you look like a desirable Lothario, it just makes you look like an indiscriminate slapper.

Just because she's talking to you - yes, and smiling, too! - it doesn't mean she fancies you.  Learn to tell the difference between being friendly and flirting....

If I was a man I’d be extremely wary of a woman who kept stuffed toys/her old teddy/dolls on her bed.  Might mean she’s never grown up and is still looking for Daddy – or that she still believes in fairy godmothers and Prince Charming (translate: will have completely unrealistic expectations of relationships).

Women’s Stuff

Are you in love/having an affair with another woman’s husband/partner?  If he’s really going to leave her for you, he’ll do it sooner rather than later.   There is a world of difference between a man who’s unhappy in his relationship and falls in love with someone else, and a philandering jerk who simply likes a bit on the side outside his marriage.  Of course he tells you he loves you; you’re supplying the thrills and spills of romance he craves  outside his marriage, as well as the exciting sex.  Doesn’t mean he’s going to turn his life upside down so he can be with you all the time, though.

If you think you look fat in that dress you probably do.  But he isn’t going to tell you; don’t bother to ask.

If men just try to get you in the sack instead of asking you out, maybe you should think about the way your behaviour is coming across.

Just because you’ve just had your heart badly broken by one man, discovered the next one was a secret cross dresser, then experienced a no-man’s land lasting a whole year, it does not, alas, necessarily follow that the next man you meet will be an absolute peach.  Alas, life is not chick lit; we do not find someone good when, simply by having been through a whole bunch of crap, we feel we ‘deserve’ to.  Sometimes the hits just keep on coming.  A bummer, but true.  Mr Right often appears around the time we’ve given up.

Don’t believe all that crap about certain men being commitment phobes.  Just because they don’t want to commit to you doesn’t mean they don’t want to commit to anyone.

Being very attractive to men doesn't necessarily mean being happy in love. Sometimes, too much choice can be a bad thing.

Man leaves woman after long relationship.  She exerts usual break up behaviour while still in the throes of heartbreak - the lost dress size, the new hair cut, the great clothes that she can suddenly get into.  She then goes somewhere he will be, especially if he will be there with the new woman, to show him what he's missing.  BIG MISTAKE.  He knows what he's missing, he was with her for 10 years and he's seen her at her best, and at her worst, and all the stages in between, and he decided to move on.  Looking great won't get back a man who doesn't want you anymore.  It WILL, however, increase your confidence, make you go 'Yippee!' when you look in the mirror, however heartbroken you are, and get you some new admirers, so do it anyway!

Don’t moan when he falls asleep straight after sex; he’s physiologically programmed to do so, it doesn’t mean he’s an uncaring mollusc.  See it as a positive; if in a new relationship, this is a chance to go and take your make-up off (because no man wants to see his new lust object cleanse, tone and moisturise before bed, does he?).  If in an older relationship, it’s your chance to read a book/eat sweets in bed.

And finally….for both sexes….

Guaranteed to put off a new lover….

  • Fall asleep during the act.  Worse if heavily, on top of partner, and snoring.  (I speak from experience.  I won't tell you from which side).
  • Call partner by wrong name (it’s a cliché, I know, but more common than you might think).  (Ditto the above).
  • Keep a receptacle for bladder relief under the bed.  It doesn’t matter if the loo is four floors up – just don’t do it.  You may be thinking 'ugh!  Who on earth would do that?'  But an ex of mine went out with a woman who did. I believe the relationship only lasted a matter of days!


  1. Liked the addition of the photos to the blog post this time, particularly the chamber pot. Totally agree that the man with the baby is a hottie! Is it OK to have teddy bears or toys if they are not kept in your main bedroom?!?!

  2. Susan, I think that it's completely normal to keep your old childhood toys - many people who've thrown them away wish they hadn't! I have my old fox (Freddie, had him since I was 4), and two others on a sort of bamboo shelf unit in here - and my plastic rabbit, Sathe, who is very much his own rabbit and was very popular on MySpace and FB, on another shelf. However, I think there is something very odd about a grown woman who will rearrange them against the pillow each morning, after making the bed, as if she was still a child, don't you? But this does happen...!!!

    It was Maria's interview with me that made me think of adding photos! Makes such a difference, doesn't it?

    1. funnily enough Maria's interview with you gave me the idea for adding pics to my blog post, too!

    2. Ooh! I've just seen this post. I love it, Terry! Lots of good advice there. I like the photos in the blog posts as it keeps it all interesting for the reader, I think. I believe I got the idea from a fellow author, Lisette Brodey, a while ago.

  3. Hi Terry - weird to read your Sunday post, one day after I posted on quite a similar topic :)

    Unaccustomed as I am to blog commenting - your piece stimulated some thoughts.

    I tend to find opinions about what makes for a successful relationship are like arseholes - apart from generally one cannot live without one's arsehole.

    I also find that people who write a lot about relationships are often trying to work out issues in their own situation.

    I wanted to add my own point to this discussion. For me it's the whole basis of a relationship - of course:

    Can you be with a person and still be yourself?

    Do you accept that person for themselves, though they have differences from you? Do you let them "be"? If not, then you're probably a pain in the arse to be with - if it does last, then the other person will suffer greatly - they will love you, but eventually realise that their love for you has in a sense consigned them to some degree of self-imposed drudgery.

    I'm also a big believer in taking things one day at a time. We have a relationship - love, or whatever - for today, not for the future - I think this "sickness/health/death...etc" stuff is for greatly religious and superficially hopeful people. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in monogamy.

    I also work hard not to take my partner for granted.

    I also don't give specific advice on relationships - ever. I have far enough complexity in my own stable to be offering amateur advice to others...

  4. Charles, I totally agree with you about letting the person 'be' - if you don't, you're heading for trouble.

    You will notice that before I write any post that gives any sort of advice, I start it by saying that I am no expert; ditto other posts on such things as tips on using Twitter.

    This wasn't intended to be an article on relationship advice, just a light-hearted piece on things that a lot of people think but don't say, which tends to be the theme of many of my posts.

    The clue is in the title - it is not 'how to have a successful relationship' but 'love truths' - just a few bits of general STUFF intended to amuse and entertain, and perhaps make the reader nod their head and think, hmm, yes, she's right about that one.

    That's all.

  5. ..... and it isn't relationship advice, anyway; it's just a few things I've noticed over my 40 years of relationships with the opposite sex and my involvement in the lives of friends.

  6. yes. nothing i wrote was intended to be a criticism of you or what you've written...

    1. It comes across as both, and I don't really understand why.

  7. Was going to write something witty, erudite and profound, but got carried away by the cake pic. Sigh.

  8. That was me yesterday, Carol, when I saw two strawberry tarts in the shop, marked down because they were at sell by date; I ate them walking home. I bet I looked a sight for sore eyes, eh!

  9. I had to comment again after I saw Charles' comment, as I have to disagree quite heartily with some of his comments. Also, Charles I thought your comments were extremely deep, for a light-hearted, for once fluffy piece from Terry. Not that anyone was giving any relationship advice, but surely relationships are about compromise? Otherwise we would all be selfish and unbearable to live with. And, I am not sure where you came up with the idea that those who write about relationships have some failing in their own. Seems a bizarre comment to make. Anyway, that's just my tuppenceworth (the second lot today). I am, however, now intrigued to read your post from yesterday. Who knew you were going to spark such controversy with this post, eh, Terry?

    1. Not moi! Felt as if I'd been whacked round the face, bloggily...

  10. Loved this blog Terry. Very wise and thought provoking and with great pictures to illustrate your points - lots of very apt points!(I've already done this reply but it's vanished so I'll try to remember what I said - then you'll probably get it twice :D)

    I haven't been in a relationship since my divorce, probably down to the fact that I came down with ME soon after and don't have the energy to get through the day let alone think about a relationship! The more I see of other people's relationships though the more put off I am. There is always an element of control which is what I got out of my marriage to be rid of. People don't like their partners seeing other people, even friends or family - jealous. They decide what to watch on TV, won't move with the times, won't go along with their partners wishes. None of that for me thanks! Lots of people don't allow their partners to just 'be' and this is so important. No-one has a right to run someone else's life.

    The two best relationships I've ever seen are those of my parents and my eldest son and his fiancee, there was/is equal balance in them and I think this is the key. Not that I'm an expert with a failed marriage behind me but I most certainly would never be controlled again in any way. Having said all that I'd love to see my youngest son as happy in a relationship as my eldest but for me single life's the best.
    Love Sherrie/Cheryl x

  11. As always another thought provoking blog done in a light hearted way. Got to say i think i agree with all of it which makes me feel a bit sad as i'm a hopeless romantic at heart and struggle to cope with the love truths. Keep up the good work your blogs keep me going whilst i'm waiting for your next book

  12. Thanks for your comments, Sherrie and Jules! Most interesting, Sherrie - lovely to hear about someone who is happy being single. I always think those who truly are, are to be admired!

    Jules, I'm a quarter of the way through the first draft... !! Glad you like the blogs anyway, they're pretty daft really!

  13. Lot of wisdom there, Terry. Farting is definitely to be kept for nights out with the lads - then it becomes competitive. Totally wasted on women, who always fail to appreciate the nuances.

    It's one reason I like women. There are others :)

    Hope 'Dream On' is doing well. I still have the bass and live in hope.

  14. Thanks, JD! Let's hear it for Viking bassists, eh! :)

  15. The thing that I learned is to love and receive love back, total requited love, that is, you have to be willing to accept that it may be gone and be willing to live without it. Having said that, if you want to be loved completely by your partner, I think you have to be willing to give him (her) up and they have to know that you'd be willing to. It gives the other person in the relationship the knowledge that they may very well lose you and that, I think, make them hold on tighter. I've written, unpublished as of yet, a book, a work of fiction on the same subject. see blog Words of inspiration are published at Looking forward to reading more of your posts!

  16. interesting! although I have no expert, but I want have to know more and more, on your blog just interesting and useful information. Keep it up!personalised teddy bear

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    1. Dear anonymous, thank you for trying to flog your anti smoking accessories on my blog post about love and relationships, but I can't help but feel it's a rather strange place to do so.

      Perhaps you could find a more suitable outlet to try and sell your wares...

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