When he's just not that into you....

Do you remember that episode of Sex And The City, when the four women are sitting around a table in a restaurant discussing the new man in Miranda's life, who is, she says, 'giving off mixed signals'?  When she can't decide what it means when he declines her offer of 'coffee'; they've been out a few times but she's not quite sure where it's going.  The others offer suggestions - perhaps he's been hurt recently, maybe he has issues with commitment - hey, perhaps he had an early meeting to go to next day... 

Also present at this lunch is Carrie's new boyfriend, Jack Berger.  The ladies turn to him and ask him for the man's point of view.  Why does he think Miranda's new man is holding back?  Berger looks a bit uncomfortable and says those words: "perhaps he's just not that into you."

The girls are horrified, but Miranda is the first to agree with what he's saying.

As you may know, there is not only a film, but also a book about all this stuff - how to tell if a guy is just not that into you - as if you really need telling! But sometimes we do, though, don't we?  Men and women both...

I touched upon this subject in my much read blog post entitled Love Truths ~
http://terrytyler59.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/love-truths.html  ~ and I was thinking about it today because of the various love conundrums in my current novel-in-progress.  We've all kidded ourselves at some point...  

Years ago, this girl I knew (I'll call her Sally) was telling me about this guy she'd been going out with for two months.  She was nuts about him.  It was all 'Adam said this' and 'Adam thinks that'.  I never actually saw him with her; when (carefully) questioned, she said that she'd met him at a party, then he'd phoned her a week later, and they'd gone out a week after that.   They'd spoken on the phone once or twice (I suspected it was once rather than twice), but then he went on holiday skiing with his friends.  They'd met up for lunch shortly after he got back, and he'd phoned her last week and talked about taking her out the next.  So, she reckoned she'd been going out with him for two months.  This sequence of events, during which she had met up with him precisely twice, had taken place over a period of two months, yes... He was very busy, she told me, which is why he couldn't see her very often.  I'd be willing to put money on the fact that Sally rarely cropped up in Adam's thoughts.

I've seen a fair few other friends, over the years, going through angst for months over some bloke who only wanted to see them once a week, and I've wanted to say to them, look, if the guy wanted to see you more than that, he would; but of course it's hard to say that, isn't it?  So I've trotted out all those platitudes, just like Miranda's friends: you know what he went through with Jane/Charlotte; perhaps he's scared of getting hurt again.  That football must take up a lot of his time.  His job's so demanding, he probably doesn't feel like going out during the week.  Etc, etc, etc.  

I've talked to male friends who've told me all about women they like who've kept them guessing with those wretched 'mixed signals'..... hell, I'll admit it, I've done it too, in me younger single days.  Kidded myself, I mean.  Spent one or two evenings with some chap, heard nothing, then made a point of going to the pub he was likely to be in.  It's all pointless.  If someone wants to spend time with you, you know about it.  If they don't, turning up in their local, rock chicked up to the nines, won't make them fancy you any more than they do already, which is probably not very much.  My theory is this: if you have to discuss with your friends whether or not he/she really cares for you, then it's likely he/she doesn't.

D'you remember that awful waiting-by-the-phone thing?  Before mobiles, before you could just text someone, before 'friending' them on Facebook before you even went out with them, when you had to sit in and wait for that wretched phone call?  There is no silence more deafening than a phone that refuses to ring!  Then there are those excuses you make ~


Maybe he had an emergency at work

Perhaps his phone is out of order

Hey, perhaps MY phone is out of order.  Operator?  Operator?

He might have lost my phone number

He might have had some terrible accident....


Wrong, wrong, wrong!  It doesn't matter how busy someone is, if phoning you is important, they'll make the time.  Even if they really have lost your number, they'll find SOME way of getting in touch.

There's something gruesomely intriguing about observing people who won't take that unsaid 'no' for an answer, isn't there?  Maybe it's a case of  "there but by the good sense God gave me, go I"!! I wrote about a Facebook stalker in the first book I published On Amazon, You Wish, and had great fun making Petra do some cringe-makingly awful things....

Then there's the other side - you know what it's like when someone's keener on you than you are on them? It's so hard to let them down, isn't it?   You keep hoping they'll get the message without you having to spell it out!  

Nobody wants to be that person, do they?

If you're waiting on someone's phone calls, wondering why he keeps putting you off, remember that if he doesn't call you, if he lets you down over and over again, it's probably just because he's not that into you. What to do about it?  Right, here's the solution!  I promise you, it works....

.... stop tearing your hair out over why he won't commit, and accept that maybe he just isn't bothered.  Guys, she perhaps just wants someone to take her out when she hasn't got anyone else around.  Once you realise that you can't make someone have that 'thing' for you when they just haven't, you'll be free to go out and find someone who will - and IS that into you!!!