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*warning: contains pictures of actor Josh Holloway

So, internet dating.  Have you had any experience of it?  It's perfectly fine to admit it, these days.  It is, honestly.  Nothing to be ashamed of.  Doesn't mean you're a loser.  Everyone's done it.  Or is that a claim made only by people who have?  Ah...   

My name is Terry, and I've internet dated.  Right.  I've come out.  Now you can, too.

I decided to write a post on this subject (it was always waiting in the wings) after reading Tom Angel's about same; you can read his HERE.  Because it makes you go 'hmmph' when someone writes a good post on a subject you've been toying with, doesn't it?  Go on, admit it.  Oh, all right.  You don't want to admit to that and internet dating...

I first dipped my toe in the waters of this murky pool in the mid nineties, after the break up of a long relationship.  I just thought I'd give it a whirl, for something to take my mind off the mess that had suddenly become my life.  In those days, your only choice was Dateline (remember those adverts in magazines?), dating agencies or... the 'friendship column' in the local paper.

(Talking of Dateline, wasn't it fun to fill in the form in the name of someone you didn't like, and send it off so that they'd receive their Dateline ideal partner suggestions through the post, preferably when they were having breakfast with their husband/wife?  What?  You've never done that?  Oh ~ no, no, of course, I haven't, either, I've just heard that some people have...)

In that brief period between old fashioned Lonely Hearts columns and the popularity of match.com etc, these 'friendship' columns were quite popular.  I answered a couple of ads; you actually communicated via a PO box number.  With a letter.  How quaint is that?  A friend told me, "if they don't send a photograph straight away, they're ugly."  The first one I met did send a photograph.  He looked pretty hot.  From the side of his face from which the photo was taken.  Alas, the other side made Quasimodo look like actor Josh Holloway.  I kid you not.  The next one was a nutter, and sent me long pleading missives when I said I didn't want to see him again, apologising for getting so drunk on our first date.  It wasn't the alcohol consumption that bothered me, it was the casual revelation that he'd come out without taking his anti-psychotic medication.  Okay, I'm lying about that.  But I think I might be on the right track.

Actor Josh Holloway.  Well, it's gotta be done...

Another friend suggested I might find a better class of lonely saddo in The Guardian.  I exchanged a few letters with a guy who said people often mistook him for Mark Knopfler.  Eventually I managed to get a photo out of him.  All he had in common with the Dire Straits front man was the receeding hairline.

 Dire Straits frontman Mark Knopfler.  Dig that crazy 1980s sweatband.

After these experiences I went back to my normal method of choosing romantic partners, ie, happening upon men in pubs/at parties and discovering two weeks later that I'd got myself into yet another relationship with a man whose serious emotional baggage/alcoholism/general loser-dom had not been apparent on the first night.  Oh well. 

When next I decided to give this sort of thing a go, it was 2008 (I'd just got rid of another from the emotional baggage/alchoholism/loserdom crew) and everyone was doing it.  My friend Hermione had recently met her new man through Dating Direct (she's still with him, incidentally) - like me, she was a veteran of much romantic folly and couldn't be bothered with starting all over again.  "It's so much easier like this," she said.  "You cut through all the crap; you know you're both on the site because you want a partner, full stop."

Obviously some people who advertise are after something other than a partner; newspapers and those ghastly 'my ex-con uncle got my lesbian grandmother pregnant' type magazines run many stories about lonely women who meet conmen online, or married men who just want a few bits on the side.  My experience, though, has only been of men who are looking for someone with whom to share their lives, or at least a girlfriend for 'now' if not for ever; call me naïve but I think this is still why most of them do it.  For every bigamist scam artist you read about in 'Real Life Scumbag' magazine there are 10,000 perfectly nice guys who are just a bit fed up with TV dinners for one.  

 
I went out with four men.  Three I didn't fancy; you know, you sit down with them in the pub and think, oh dear, I don't fancy you at all, so you make the best of the night and go home as soon as is politely possible.  That's after you've been through the half hour of hoping you will start to fancy them once you start talking to them (even trying to convince yourself that you do...).  One I did quite like but didn't fancy me!  Look, when he put in his 'ideal woman' list that he liked size 10 non-smokers, I did tell him that the hand of my size 14 body held a John Player menthol king size approximately 15 times per day.  He didn't say I was a disappointment in the flesh, of course, any more than I did to the ones I didn't fancy.  But I could see that lack of interest in his eyes, not to mention the lack of conviction in the phrase 'I'll call you later in the week'.  When I went to the loo, I wondered if he'd still be there when I got back.  Happily, he was...

.... unlike the chap my friend Francesca met in the Red Lion, Cromer, who left her sitting at a table.  She came to meet me for a drink afterwards and said she suddenly realised she'd been sitting there for about ten minutes... and that he'd taken his car keys...!  Or the one who arranged a date with my friend Jemima, and said after half an hour that he was afraid this meeting would only be a drink after all, not dinner as discussed, as he needed an early night.  At eight o'clock in the evening....  thank you, ladies, for these tales, I managed to work them into my novel Nobody's Fault! (Yes, that was a cheap book plug in an article that's about something entirely different.  I promise I won't do it again.)  Both women just thought it was funny.  At least it didn't waste their time.  Says to me that women are prepared to give the man they don't fancy a chance, whereas for the man it's all about the physical.  No, really??!!  Well, who would have thought it, eh?

A few months later I met the man to whom I am now married (not via Dating Direct!) and thus ended my foray into that side of online life.  Would I ever do it again?  Well, I sincerely hope I won't ever need to, but yes, I think I would.  I prefer to be in a couple than not be (yes, I can admit that!), and I reckon I'd follow Hermione's train of thought; it's so much easier than meeting people the 'normal' way, especially when you've been round the block so many times that the pavement shows the grooves of your tread.  I'd say it's a good idea as long as you have realistic expectations; you are unlikely to find romance with a capital R.  But you might find someone nice to do stuff with, if fun outings are a bit thin on the ground.

My internet dating help list:

• Be honest in your profile and post a recent photo of yourself; yes, flattering is good, but it should be what you really DO look like.
• Don't punch either wildly above or wildly below your own weight.
• The safety thing - meet in a public place, tell someone where you're going, etc etc.
• Don't expect to meet the love of your life.
• If you think someone seems as though they might be a bit dodgy, discuss your fears with a friend or two before getting involved.
• Don't give away any personal details like phone number, address or the link to your facebook page until you know him/her a bit better.
• For women ~ I know most men aren't keen on endless emailing first, but do get to know them this way as much as possible before meeting up.  My experience was that after only two or three, men would say, okay, let's meet; I suppose they just wanted to see if they were wasting their time on someone they weren't attracted to in real life!  But my extensive research (!) tells me that the meetings that turn into something more lasting are generally between two people who've taken the time to put in the groundwork, if you like.
• If you have a bad experience (like someone doing a disappearing act), see it as an anecdote with which to amuse your friends, like Francesca did (she's in a very happy relationship now, by the way!).  Remember, it's only ONE person in the whole world.

I think the reason many people are disappointed by their internet dating experiences is simply because it lacks that thrill, the glance across the room when you see someone you really fancy, that is-it-going-to-happen excitement, the mystery, the buzz of the chase.  It's a bit like going for a job interview.  I've actually contemplated handing out my romantic CV ("Reason for leaving: Felt I was in a rut and needed more of a challenge" "Reason this position terminated ~ Temporary contract only, terminated on return of permanent employee") ~ perhaps I'll save that for another post as this one is already getting too long!

I'd love to hear about any of your internet dating successes ~ or horror stories!

 

What does 'I love you' actually mean?

Alas, it often means very different things, even to two people who are uttering those three little words to each other at the same time.  How many times have you heard a brokenhearted friend say "I don't understand; how could he just go?  He told me he loved me!"?  You may have said it yourself.  

Perhaps one person was saying "I can't imagine my life without you in it", while the other just meant "You're so exciting and exactly what I'm looking for, right now".

Sometimes it means the more sinister "I have an ideal in my head about the person I will love, and I want you to be 'it'"~ more on that one later!

I thought about this whole subject a great deal whilst writing my latest book, Last Child, because it features so many variations on the man/woman relationship.  Although not 'romances' by any means, my books do tend to be based around affairs of the heart, and I draw not only from my imagination but also from my own experience and observation of others.  This aspect of life has always been both interesting and so important to me, perhaps one of the reasons why I've never allowed it to fall into the second place necessary when you have children (actually, that's only just occurred to me!). 

Children or not, it isn't so important for everyone; there are those like Hannah (she appears in both Kings and Queens and Last Child), who prefer to keep such extremes of emotion at arm's length: "Some people need romance and passion like they need air to breathe, and some don’t.  I belong to the latter camp.  I’m happy to be a friend and confidante to those who need help in related crises, but have no desire to experience the despair that so often follows the joy."

(Sensible?) people like Hannah are just not made for the 'grand passion'; those explosive chemistry type of affairs, illicit as such things so often are, in which the two people have an immediate lust thing going on but also "that indefinable ingredient ‘X’ that turns attraction into love" ~ I won't say which two characters the one in Last Child involves!  The sort of love that leads people to leave long term partners, make crazy decisions, and tends to either burn itself out, painfully, or keep flickering away forever, even if the two are not together - think Burton and Taylor!  Even if we haven't the film star qualities of these two and our affair does not involve exclusive hotels, yachts, huge diamonds and newspaper coverage, I think everyone should have at least one of these sort of experiences in their lives!  Shame they don't always end in happy ever after...

In the second part of Last Child I've written two characters who, sadly, mean completely different things by those three little words.  His 'I love you' means 'I'm very fond of you but I'm really in this relationship because it gives me everything I need socially and financially', whereas, alas, hers says: 'I am obsessed with you to the point of not being able to live without you' ~ yes, for those who know their history, it's my modern day Philip of Spain and Mary Tudor.  

Old family friend Will Brandon makes this observation about 21st century would-be king Phil Castillo: “Lucky fella; a cushy job with a generous salary, a place in the bed of an attractive young woman whenever he wants it, and a nice little rent-free bolthole in the village when he doesn’t.  Can’t be bad, eh?”

...whilst poor Isabella feels like this:  "The ferocity of my love for him scared me, sometimes.  I couldn’t think about anything but him.  We’d be sitting at home watching television, but I’d be unable to concentrate on the programme.  I’d gaze at his face, study its angles and expressions, and I’d want to devour it.  Sometimes when we made love I left bite marks on his skin; he said he loved my passion, but I think it scared him a little, too."

Philip of Spain and Mary Tudor

This sort of relationship can work if the less enamoured is basically a decent person and appreciates where his/her bread is buttered (a young woman being totally spoiled by her doting, older, rich husband, perhaps!); sometimes love can grow out of such a situation, though more often than not the one with more to offer ends up with a broken heart.  I'm so glad I don't have the psychological make-up that allows me to be as eternally obsessed with someone as Isabella is with Phil; I know someone who suffers this affliction (poor her); her 'love' for the man in question colours her whole life, even if she rarely sees him. 

 
As sister Erin observes about Isabella:
"Love’s a weird thing.  It so often has so much other stuff attached.  Sometimes it’s more the fulfilment of a need.  Exhibit one: Izzy and Phil Castillo.  When she met him she was starved of love and affection, and just needed a good shag, in the opinion of most of the men at Lanchester Estates.  She saw mirrored in Phil’s empty blue eyes the image of herself in which she needed so badly to believe but was never truly convinced by, so when she felt her dream slipping away she clung to it by any means she could because she was terrified of going back to how she was before."

The final third of Last Child brings with it three more faces of love: duty, true soul mates, and that curious one of which my character Amy is guilty ~ she thinks she feels true love for her husband, Robert, though she is more in love with an ideal.  
Robert says: "Amy doesn’t really love me, anyway, although she thinks she does.  She loves her fantasy of me as one of the heroes from her stupid romantic novels, not me, the real me, how I really am."

I think this is more common that people realise (or admit), particularly amongst women who, when younger, daydream about their wedding day/future marital bliss, and amongst men who weave fantasies about their ideal woman - anyone who has been in a relationship with one of those men who tell you they adore you then try to change everything about you from your friends to your hair colour to the height of your heels will know what I mean by this one!

Being the object of this sort of 'love' should make the recipient want to say "Oh, excuse me for not being the person you've made up your mind I ought to be - not!!!", but, sadly, it all too often makes low self-esteem even lower; men who think love = protection and control have a radar that detects the sort of women who will put up with it.  As for women for whom "I love you" means "I want you to star alongside me in my fantasy of a perfect life.  Here are your lines and stage directions; if you deviate from them I will sulk" - they need a course in growing up!

As for 'duty' love, Robert's relationship with Amy begins because he is on the rebound, but grows into something genuine; however, he feels guilty for falling out of love with her almost before the ring is on her finger, and tries to make the best of it.  Erin thinks such duty is misplaced:
"If you don’t love someone, don’t stay married to them.  End of.  Don’t waste her life as well as your own.  Let her find someone who loves her, instead of putting her through years of anguish."  

As for Erin and Robert, their connection is a continuing theme throughout the book.  But are they true soul mates, two people who fit together so perfectly, or is their love destined to bring nothing but heartbreak (she says, as though writing a blurb for a romance book.....!)???

I hope if you have downloaded the book you enjoy finding out, and, whether you have or not, that you can relate to some parts of this post; I'd be interested to hear about anyone's own experiences, and promise I won't use them in future novels!