Literary Festival, anyone?

*NB June 2015: One of my first blog posts, back when I was persuaded by fellow Twitterly writers that I really had to have a blog...  I'm amazed I had to be persuaded now, it's like a fifth limb!!*
 

One of my lovely new online writer friends suggested to me that we might meet up some time at some Literary Festival or other, as we are, at the moment, only friends via Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads and email.  I thought this was a most excellent idea; I'd love to meet in person some of my fellow Twitterers!

I mentioned this idea to my husband.  He said. "A Literary Festival?  What happens at one of those, then?  Do you all sit around on the grass, smoking dope and swigging cider while someone reads from 'Jane Eyre'?  Do you stand in your wellies in the mud, holding up your cigarette lighter in the dark, during the first chapter of 'On The Road'?



You can just see it, can't you?

"I missed the last half of 'Great Expectations' because I was chucking up after eating some under-cooked lentils I bought from one of those veggie food stands."

"I'm getting too old for these gigs, I'd rather listen to 'Catcher in the Rye' on audio book than wade around in the mud for three days"

"I thought 'A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu' was rubbish live.  Didn't enjoy it half as much as I did the book."

"Aye, but you were pissed when the fella was reading it.  You were trying to chat that bird in the denim shorts up.  The one with the lemonade bottle full of vodka, remember?"

"Nah, Sebastian Faulk's 'Birdsong' ain't half as good as it was last year.  Anyone want a bang on this?  It makes it sound better, honest."

"Who's headlining this year?  Some dude in glasses reading the best of W Somerset Maugham?  Far out!" 

Can't wait, sounds like a blast!

...and let us look at Glastonbury, 1970 style and then... 2014

Free Sex and Money! Here!

I read a very interesting blog today by an American author called Toby Neal entitled "Is anyone reading blogs anymore?"

It was about the endless round of author interviews and guest blogs, etc, she did when promoting her first book - now, about to release her second, she wonders if she can be bothered to do it all over again.  Her question was, does anyone actually read them?  Apart from those who know the author, anyway.  My initial answer was 'no'.  My point being that most of them are all the same (some aren't - Tracie Banister's is a bit different, has more interesting questions).  Also, there are hundreds of thousands of bloggers, hundreds and thousands of indie authors out there - yes, your book and what drove you to write it is fascinating to you, your family and some friends, but not of THAT much interest to everyone else.  I highlighted my point by saying that although I had seen Toby's name up and down Twitter for ages, I hadn't actually investigated anything she wrote until she wrote a blog with  a title that caught my eye.  Now I know about her and the name of her book.  Blood Orchid.  See, I even remembered it, an hour later!  I might even check it out!

Hence the title of this blog post.  Did it make you read it?  Well, perhaps not.

Then I thought about the subject more (I do tend to leap in, it has to be said).  Whereas doing an author interview may not get 100 people going "hey, this girl is OUT THERE! I must buy her book, review it and recommend it to all my friends!", it is all a part of the interaction with people and goodwill thing amongst the writer community.  Also, it might get both you and the blogger new followers, who you might really like/start helping each other out....  as another writer had commented on Toby's post, it's a slow thing.

One of the other problems with this blogging thing is that there are so many zillions of them out there that you can miss a good one; I read about 3 a day, I think, ones that particularly catch my eye - if I like a post by someone, I might read another of theirs.  If I like that, too, I might spread the word about the blog as a whole.  Quantum of Thought.  That's a good one.  http://quantumofthought.wordpress.com/  (No, nothing to do with me, it's not a self-plug!)

Before I became part of the Twittersphere I used to post blogs (occasionally) on Facebook and MySpace.  They always got a stack of views and comments, but on Twitter there are so many being posted that they don't stand out.

To sum up - give your blog post a title that will make people look at it!  Maybe not like this one, though...!

Keep Your Kit ON!

*First posted in 2012, updated in 2014*

~~~

This morning I was half watching a Saturday morning cookery programme, and saw 1980s iconic punk princess Toyah Wilcox showing us how to make an amazing recipe with pollock.

Of course, Toyah is now in her fifties - as is Kim Wilde, who regularly appears on gardening programmes.

Kim Wilde in the 1980s

Kim Wilde in horticultural mode, in recent years.

This made me wonder if, in decades to come, we will see Kimberley Walsh of Girls Aloud presenting 'Antiques Roadshow', or Jessie J fielding the two teams on 'Bargain Hunt'?       

     
Somehow, that doesn't seem as unlikely as it would have seemed, thirty years ago, to see uber-hip Toyah and sexy vixen Kim Wilde presenting gardening and cookery programmes.  Which made me think - were the female pop stars of the 1980s just so much more cool than they are now?

Take the beautiful yet delightfully homely Kimberley Walsh, above,  - very much the sort of girl you could imagine mucking around with bedding plants and fish stock....

...as opposed to 1970/80s Siouxie Sioux....

Leading on from this, I was watching an old edition of 'The Old Grey Whistle Test' a few nights ago, featuring Siouxie and The Banshees, and the first thing I noticed was:

Hang on a minute! She's
FULLY CLOTHED!  

Think of not only Siouxie, Toyah and Kim, but also Bananarama, Chrissie Hynde, and even the lusted-after-by-every-man-in-the-world Debbie Harry.

Chrissie Hynde and Debbie Harry

They all wore CLOTHES. They were all cool and smart, sexy and edgy and 'street', which they managed to be without prancing around in their undergarments as if they were auditioning for porn movies..... 

Bananarama

     ....now, compare their attitude with the writhing, acquiescent posturing of Rhianna, Christine Aguilera, Shakira, Cheryl Cole, to name but a few. What sort of role models are they for young girls today?  

The ever ladylike and classy Cheryl Cole...

They give out the message that in order to be successful, attractive and appreciated, you must be seen as indiscriminately sexually available.  And not only available, but positively gagging for it.
 

Forget all our mothers fought for - let's rejoice in being sex objects once more!

These days, even the older ones aren't much better. Madonna, the queen of cool and edgy when she first appeared on the scene, is never out of her hotpants. The glamorous and breathtakingly beautiful JLo seems to think she has to compete with the twenty year olds when it comes to her promotional videos. Come on, loves, put your crotches away! Sticking your fishnet clad arse in the air and simulating sex on stage looks a bit desperate when you're over forty, however great your figure is.  

     Sexy doesn't have to mean letting it all hang out - whatever happened to an air of mystery?

The power of positive thinking

A certain rock star said, in his autobiography, that when he started out he just kept telling himself that he was a rock star, kept behaving like one, dressing like one, until, one day, he became one.

I've just read a tweet in which someone claimed to be 'the author taking Amazon by storm'.  When I clicked on the link to have a look at this storm, I found that the book was at number 51,000 +.  Yeah, they're really queuing round the block for that one, aren't they?

Then I realised that this claim had made me click on the link, and also take a brief look down the reviews.  Perhaps not such a daft thing to claim, after all?

Still didn't buy it, though.



This seems like an appropriate opportunity to mention my fab idea.  I want to open a bowling alley and advertise it as having "hundreds of lanes".  I shall call it "Hyperbole".

Nightingales & Larks

The other day a good friend quoted, on Facebook, from whoever said "Success is what happens when everyone else is asleep".  The friend in question regularly gets up early and goes on two mile walks before getting her children up for school.  That morning, she had written 2,000 words before 7.30 am.  Impressive, I am sure you agree!

Got me thinking, though.  What about the 2,000 words written by the 'night owl', in the early hours; the person who drinks their first coffee in bleary eyed fashion whilst watching The Jeremy Kyle Show on ITV + 1, because they didn't get up in time to watch the first showing at 9.30?  The person who doesn't really get going until after lunch and writes their 2,000 words when my friend has been in the land of nod for 3 hours? That 'success' is happening when everyone else is asleep, too. Yet, somehow, it doesn't seem so impressive, does it?

This got me thinking about why getting up early is seen as more virtuous that staying up late. Why is this?

Why is doing your snuggly-in-bed thing okay at 10pm, but not 10 am?

Years ago, I worked in Civil Service offices where flexi-time was in operation.  The people who came in at 7.30 am and left at 4 were thought of as being committed, responsible, conscientious; some of them were quite smug about the hours they kept, frequently reminding their colleagues of them.  But theirs was no longer a working day than those who habitually turned up at 10 am, had a half hour lunch break and stayed until 6.  These late-comers were considered, by colleagues and bosses alike, as lazy, unreliable.

Maybe it's because people wonder what licentious activities the latter group are engaged in at night to make them unable to get up at the crack of dawn and arrive at the office, bright and perky, when most people are still at the yawning and coffee brewing stage of the day.

I reckon that's what it is.

"The Other Side" - my new novel

My new novel will appear on Amazon Kindle Store in about a week's time, all being well.  It's called 'The Other Side', and I thought that anyone who has read and enjoyed 'You Wish' and 'Nobody's Fault' might like to know a bit about it. 

Here is the blurb to be posted on Amazon; it might be re-drafted yet, though.

BLURB FOR AMAZON FOR 'THE OTHER SIDE' 

Decision time.  Left or right?  Mr X, or Mr Z ?

Imagine being given an insight into what would happen if you chose the other path….

Would you make the same decision? 

If you could, would you go back and change all the mistakes you've ever made in the name of love?

The Other Side tells of four lives, all so different. 

Glamorous KATYA is certain she can ‘have it all’, but forgets that some people have long memories... 

CATHY is trapped in a tedious marriage with the in-laws from hell – but why did the rock chick marry Mr Pipe and Slippers? 

ALEXA fears that a ‘friend’ is trying to steal away her perfect life – everyone dismisses her fears as paranoia…

…while SANDIE struggles with a drink problem, a life spiralling downwards – which came first, the drink or the problems?

Four very different stories – but they are all connected.

THE OTHER SIDE travels backwards through time to unravel the decisions of the past and their influence on the present lives of everyone concerned - for better or for worse

**** 

End of Blurb!  There are many questions to be answered and twisty bits as the story unfolds.  It was hard to write a novel that goes backwards in time, and I spent many a frustrating hour trying work out continuity problems; I knew the concept would be a difficult one to execute, so I hope I've done so successfully.  The proof of the pudding, etc.

Aside from that, if you like reading about bitter love rivalry, tales of unrequited and lost love, infuriating mothers in law, downward slides into debt and alcoholism, jealousy, the satisfaction of long awaited revenge, ghastly flat-mates, dinner parties gone wrong, the horrors of weight gain, and the cringe-making things people do when they're drunk, then you should enjoy it!

The Other Side by Terry Tyler - on Amazon in May 2012.

Should Authors Comment On Reviews?

I'd love to know anyone else's opinion on this.

This may sound incredible, but until yesterday I hadn't even noticed that you could comment on reviews.  I only did so when I noticed 3 comments on one of mine.

I skimmed past a blog posted on Twitter about this yesterday; unfortunately, something else distracted me and I forgot to read it, then later on I found myself wondering about that very thing.

My initial reaction is NO!  I make the following points:

• It would be lovely to thank everyone for the good reviews, but then you would also have to thank people for the so-so ones, wouldn't you?  And make some reasonable sounding comment about the bad ones.
• People are entitled to express their opinion in a public arena without having it criticised and questioned.
• Whereas thanking someone for something can never be wrong, people should be confident enough in their own work not to have to explain or justify it.
• You can't tell people how to read something; for instance, you can't say "But Penelope's motivation was always to have Raoul love her, not just to retrieve the diamonds!"  Maybe you should've sharpened old Raoul up a bit, I say.
• It would be tempting to get into further discussion with someone who had bothered to write a review but is it all that productive?  I am writing this off the top of my head and it just occurred to me that maybe this could be a 'YES' argument.
• Apart from thanking someone, it's not very cool.

Would LOVE opinions on this!

Thoughts on Self-Promotion, Twitter & Reviews....

I am not new to writing (13 novels and loads of other stuff over the years) but I am new to self publishing - and, thus, the whole self-promotion process.


At the weekend I did a free download promotion for both the novels I have on Amazon.  It was successful far beyond my expections; I just wanted to share some thoughts about it.


I started my novel "You Wish" after a ten year break from writing anything other than amusing little bits and bobs to make my friends laugh.  When it was finished, I got out my Writers and Artists Yearbook, selected appropriate agents, checked their websites for submission requirements, and off I went.  I had some interest (the full manuscript being requested a couple of times), but no offers of representation.  A tad disheartened, I shelved the whole thing, until two people suggested I try it on Amazon's Kindle Store, this being the way forward, etc etc.  I didn't really know about Kindles; at the time I had never even heard of John Locke.

I stuck them on there.  Various friends (and friends of friends) had read the novel and liked it very much; the ones who didn't were kind enough not to tell me.  Those who liked it, I asked to review it for me, which they did.  I started to write the next one, and put that on, too.  Nothing much happened, apart from a few downloads and a few more very good reviews.

Someone suggested to me that I try Twitter.  Best move I've made in years!

It's not only about advertising your stuff, is it?  I had no idea.  I've 'met' other self-published writers; how wonderful it is to share ideas and thoughts with others who are in the same boat!  Not only that, but I've read so many fascinating articles that have really helped me.  Previously, I was arrogant enough to think "huh, I don't need to be told how to write!", but I am so glad I re-thought that attitude.  I've learned so much about cutting unnecessary descriptive passages, interspersing long passages of text with dialogue, starting the story off with a bang rather than a whimper, not using cliches like the one I just wrote, casting out 90% of adverbs.  In particular, the writer and publisher Scott Bury posts some marvellous articles.  Look him up!

I've discovered people like Jeff Bennington, whose book The Indie Author's Guide To The Universe is, I think, a MUST HAVE for all self-published authors.  Buy it! And Melissa Foster, with her Women's Literary Cafe thingy - look both of them up, too! There's so much real help out there.  Best of all, I have 'met' some people I am sure would be real life friends if only we lived near each other.  Karen, Kirkus, how I wish we could go out for a beer together!  I've discovered new authors, people I wouldn't have known about otherwise, as I don't tend to browse Amazon.  I've now got about 20 books on my Kindle that I WILL finish and I WILL review, I promise!

As with people who are trying to make it in the music business - or the would-be Masterchef business, or the world of photography, art, anything - there is a good community out there.  We understand how hard it is and help each other, retweeting each other's promotional stuff - I cannot imagine how many people read about my books being free this weekend, but it must have been a lot because I had 17,560 downloads! That's another thing - all those people reading the stories that I wrote in the corner of my living room is so weird I can't quite get my head around it.  However, my insecurity is another subject and one I won't explore right now, okay?

.......except to say that I wonder if everyone is the same as me, and occasionally clicks on the 'click to look inside' thing on their own books on Amazon?  And thinks, oh no, that bit's crap, I could have written it so much better now, oh shit, it's embarrassing, everyone will think I'm a complete klutz......


I am now steeling myself for a bad review.  I know, the more you put your stuff out there, the more likely it is that you will get someone who not only doesn't like it, but also wants to tell you how much they didn't.  Now, remember this:  in The Indie Author's Guide it estimates that 3% of reviewers are people who just enjoy giving bad reviews.  In fact, make a point of doing so.  I've realised this to be true; I saw a very damning one on a friend's book, then clicked on 'see all my reviews' - as JB said, the reviewer had been just as crappy to everyone.  


I'm trying to make my skin thicker so that my first really bad one won't get to me - any tips on how to do this??!!

In the meantime, I shall carry on writing, and carry on twittering.

Assorted Annoyances

 (With thanks to Julia, Mike, Lisa, Delaine, Andy, Ralph, Phil, Rob, Jorell, Freya)

Things that make me go bluuurggh....

At work:

I’ll just ping him across an email

Can I just pop you on hold?  Oh, he’s back now.  I’ll just pop you through

Number crunchers

Can we touch base?

No problem!

Can-do attitude

Since we started doing business with yourselves 

If you have any queries, please contact Ken or myself


Can you bear with me?

Misuse of words

Ignorant used to describe someone who is ignoring you

Banter when what is meant is rudeness, cheek, or mickey-taking by one person only

Vent used to mean ranting, or venting anger

Bored of, would of

Nouns used as verbs – sourced, tasked, gifted, parented, growthed, birthed

Quantity applied to an absolute term – quite unique


Floor when talking about the ground, and lay when it should be lie - he's laying down on the floor (when he is, in fact, lying down on the ground)



Pronouncing the letter 'aitch' as 'haitch'

On Facebook

The pseudo profound/inspirational – those pictures that say “Live each day as if it was your last, dance as if no-one is looking” etc, or “I am who I am, love me or hate me” etc

LOL, Yay, Facepalm, LMAO, PMSL

Lol, etc when used as punctuation – I agree lol I liked it too lol it’s great lmao

Photographs of people’s dinner with the caption nom nom nom

*does victory dance*

That awkward moment when….. (inevitably, it isn’t awkward at all)

The general wishing of a Happy St Patrick’s Day – it is only relevant to the Irish!  Worse, when it is referred to as St Patty’s Day.  Patty is short for Patricia.  The short form of Patrick is Pat, or Paddy.

Status Shuffle – for people who have nothing to say but think they’ll say it anyway

Tired.com, Bored.com, Hungover.com

Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work I go

Attention seeking status updates – Miss X has really had enough now.  These updates are then followed by ten people saying What's up hun inbox me xoxox

Unfunny observations followed by Just Saying

Miscellaneous irritating words and phrases

From the get go

Can I get in a shop/café/pub, instead of Can I have

Back in the day  (Back in what day?)

Toasty to imply warmth.  (nb, not ‘warm as toast, which makes sense.  ‘Toasty’ does not mean this.  Toasty means ‘like toast’)


Webinar


Podcast

Yummy Mummy

Yada Yada

Learning Curve

Journey when used to describe anything apart from the travelling from one physical point to another

“You’ll be fine” as a platitude when someone is worried about something, unless there is some substance behind it, and person A has some inside knowledge that person B really will be fine

“Look at YOU!” when seeing someone looking particularly dressed up

A cheeky anything – I’m just popping out for a cheeky beer

Simples – when said by anyone other than the meerkats


"It's my passion"

 

Particularly annoying behaviour by women

Whoo hoo!  You go girl!

Describing fat women as curvy

Describing themselves as strong women

Describing themselves or their friends as quirky, sassy, bubbly, zany, kooky, goofy

All here come the girls type behaviour

Thinking they have the right to touch the stomach of a pregnant woman without asking

Putting their hands on your face to show you how cold it is

Women over the age of 50 who suddenly get a very short spiky hair do, have it dyed red and then wear witty earrings

In the kitchen

Jus

Drizzle

Roasties instead of roast potatoes

Simply pop it in the oven!

At the Doctors

Can you just pop behind the screen, pop off your clothes, pop onto the couch, and I’ll just pop this needle into you

This is an ongoing list; all suggestions welcomed

Alzheimers and Ernest Shackleton

I wrote this in summer 2011, on Facebook

I've just spent nearly a week staying with my parents; my father is 81, and my mother is 85 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers about 18 months ago.

Mum spends much of her day wanting to go 'home', which alternates between the home of her childhood, and some fictitious place in her head.  She challenges my dad approximately every five minutes about his true identity.  She needs (very) frequent confirmation of her name, her age, her address......  at least thirty times during my stay she asked me if I knew her son, and was surprised/disbelieving when I said that yes, I did, because he is my brother.  To continue to describe the effects of this illness would be as tedious to write and read as they are to witness them - my dad lives with this 24 hours a day.  I suggested that he make cards with the appropriate pieces of information written on them, so he can just hold them up, rather than having to repeat himself over and over and over again.  Joke....

Our family, taken in 1994.  My pre-Alzheimers Mummy would kill me if she knew I'd posted a picture of her wearing such peculiar trousers - we were at an air show - but it was the most recent one I could find of all 5 of us!

My mum is an extremely intelligent, witty person, well read, well educated, with a lively Aquarian off-the-wall outlook.  I've always really enjoyed her company.  She loved dead hard cryptic crosswords, and learnt to speak Italian when she was in her 70s.  She used to be an A Level French teacher.   Now, her brain is mashed.  Dad, at 81, is having to deal with all this, instead of being able to meander comfortably through his twilight years!  Apart from anything else, he has lost his life-long companion.

Mum and Dad in 1955, in Portsmouth

Because my parents are, like, WELL old, they go to bed early.  For six nights I had to be in bed at ten o'clock, at which time the house is all shut up - in other words, I couldn't sit up and watch telly.  Neither could I have a fag.  However, there are many v interesting books in the house; a cracking tome about Ernest Shackleton and his ill-fated mission to cross Antarctica became my nightly friend.  I do love a bit of polar exploration, particularly when it goes wrong, which it usually does.  The tale of Shackleton and the Endurance has fascinated me for years, not only because of the amazing way in which the whole party survived against all odds, but also because they were such twats to embark upon it in the first place, when they were actually warned that the conditions were about the opposite from what they should have been for even a chance of success.  Talk about the triumph of ego over sense, eh?

I kept a wee hip flask of whisky in my bag (from which I daresay Shackleton and his merry men would have been grateful for a few nips), which perfectly complimented the stories of ten days at sea with no fresh water, a diet of seal steaks and dead husky, and NOT TAKING OFF THEIR UNDERWEAR FOR A YEAR.  How bad did those dudes smell when they got to South Georgia, huh??

Am home now, wonderful home, but just thinking of people everywhere who care for loved ones with Alzheimers - it SUCKS.  The person you love is there,  but not there, anymore.  My brother and sister and I have commented already that Mum as we knew our mum is gone - how much worse it is for Dad, who lives with it every day.

Since I wrote this my mother has, of course, deteriorated, and has been in a care home since June 2012.  She still knows who we are - just.  It's so hard for Dad, who misses her constantly - he sees memories in everything.

This month (May 2013) my sister visited Mum and took her laptop in, so that I could talk to her on Skype, as my personal circumstances mean that I can't visit as often as I'd like.  Mum hasn't seen me since December, but when she saw me she said, "Oh, there's Ree" - Ree was what I used to call myself when I was a little girl.  The problem with Skype is that you can't cry on it, because people will see you!

Mum with my sister Julia and me, 1959