I follow you back if.... #Twitter @TerryTyler4 #Humour #MondayBlogs

On Twitter, I do my 'follow backs' once every few days, and make snap decisions based on my first impressions of each profile.  The other day I noticed that I only follow back about 50%, and decided (because I love lists and bullet points) to write this summary.

So...  I follow you back if:

(nb, liking The Walking Dead/South Park/Aerosmith preferable but not essential)

• you are a writer, except if you write porn.
• you love books, and are an avid reader.
• you are a blogger, particularly a book blogger.
• you love The Walking Dead.
• you love South Park.
• you are interested in anything post apocalyptic or dystopian related.
• you come from or write about/post pictures of Iceland, Alaska, Greenland, the Arctic/Antarctic, Scandinavia, etc.  Or anywhere cold, barren and beautiful.
• you write or are interested in history.
• your bio makes me laugh.
• you seem like like a fairly normal person, without massive airs, graces or worrying personality defects.
• you have a picture of yourself for your bio and you don't fall in any of the 'I don't follow you back if' categories.
• you like rock music, partic Aerosmith.
• you like any other sort of music/films/TV/books that I like (extensive list!).
• you're a bit of a rocker, generally.
• you are a travel blogger about places that interest me.
• you look as if you're good fun.
• you are an artist or photographer, a poet, a crafter, a musician, or pretty much anything creative.  Or a librarian, a teacher, a geologist, an editor, a journalist, an environmentalist, a historian ... you get the picture.

I don't follow you back if:

• you claim to be a social media influencer (which is actually odd, because this doesn't 'influence' me to follow you back).
• you claim to be a bestselling/award winning author when you aren't.
• the profile is a book.  (I don't follow inanimate objects).
• you claim to be a guru or an expert in ANYTHING.
• your bio is full of buzzwords and phrases.
• your profile is nothing but links to your profiles on other social media sites.  If I wanted to follow you on Facebook/Instagram/God Knows Where Else, I'd be on that site, not this one.
• your profile picture is of genitalia 
• you are offering me sexy girls, or a link to another site so that I may have sex chats with you (the last two: one of the downfalls of having a unisex name!). 
• you want me to buy your book marketing services.
• you have words like SEO and marketing in your bio, separated by vertical lines, and you have one of those super-professional marketing person type profile pictures.  
• your bio is written in the third person (because it looks as though you have someone 'doing your social media for you', whose only aim will be to promote your work)
• your bio is in a foreign language (simply because I can't understand what it says).
• you are promising to boost my Twitter profile, but only have 3k followers.  
• you have no bio.
• you have no profile picture.
• your profile picture is a blurred one of a man in a military uniform and you have no bio aside from a line claiming to be a 'military office', or a 'man who care and fear god'.  The Happy Shopper version of online dating scams....
• your bio is a mass of hashtags and little else ~ yes, it may make you hit all categories, but it also makes you look like a desperate robot.  
• your profile picture is a business logo, unless the business really interests me, and the bio is otherwise well written.
• you want me to give you money (mention of gofundme or Kickstarter in the bio).
• your bio asks me to buy or 'check out' something.
• your bio shows only interests that I don't share (nothing personal, but if you love chick lit, football, hip hop music, Geordie Shore, cricket, GTA, cars or whatever, we will have nothing in common).
•  you promise to deliver me followers or 'likes' or blog views or anything similar, on any site.
• you profile picture is a beautiful girl, your header a wonderful scene, and your bio is nothing but an incorrectly spelled quote.  See, I know you're not really that beautiful girl and are probably a potential spammer/hacker. 

• You claim to be a 'thought leader', or to have the power to motivate or inspire me.  I suspect you're not, you haven't, and you won't.  Those who make such claims seldom are/have/will; I am not inspired by churned out, hackneyed 'motivational' memes, which is (experience tells me) is usually what such profiles offer.....