I follow you back if.... #Twitter @TerryTyler4 #Humour #MondayBlogs

On Twitter, I do my 'follow backs' once every few days, and make snap decisions based on my first impressions of each profile.  The other day I noticed that I only follow back about 50%, and decided (because I love lists and bullet points) to write this summary.

So...  I follow you back if:

(nb, liking The Walking Dead/South Park/Aerosmith preferable but not essential)

• you are a writer, except if you write porn.
• you love books, and are an avid reader.
• you are a blogger, particularly a book blogger.
• you love The Walking Dead.
• you love South Park.
• you are interested in anything post apocalyptic or dystopian related.
• you come from or write about/post pictures of Iceland, Alaska, Greenland, the Arctic/Antarctic, Scandinavia, etc.  Or anywhere cold, barren and beautiful.
• you write or are interested in history.
• your bio makes me laugh.
• you seem like like a fairly normal person, without massive airs, graces or worrying personality defects.
• you have a picture of yourself for your bio and you don't fall in any of the 'I don't follow you back if' categories.
• you like rock music, partic Aerosmith.
• you like any other sort of music/films/TV/books that I like (extensive list!).
• you're a bit of a rocker, generally.
• you are a travel blogger about places that interest me.
• you look as if you're good fun.
• you are an artist or photographer, a poet, a crafter, a musician, or pretty much anything creative.  Or a librarian, a teacher, a geologist, an editor, a journalist, an environmentalist, a historian ... you get the picture.

I don't follow you back if:

• you claim to be a social media influencer (which is actually odd, because this doesn't 'influence' me to follow you back).
• you claim to be a bestselling/award winning author when you aren't.
• the profile is a book.  (I don't follow inanimate objects).
• you claim to be a guru or an expert in ANYTHING.
• your bio is full of buzzwords and phrases.
• your profile is nothing but links to your profiles on other social media sites.  If I wanted to follow you on Facebook/Instagram/God Knows Where Else, I'd be on that site, not this one.
• your profile picture is of genitalia 
• you are offering me sexy girls, or a link to another site so that I may have sex chats with you (the last two: one of the downfalls of having a unisex name!). 
• you want me to buy your book marketing services.
• you have words like SEO and marketing in your bio, separated by vertical lines, and you have one of those super-professional marketing person type profile pictures.  
• your bio is written in the third person (because it looks as though you have someone 'doing your social media for you', whose only aim will be to promote your work)
• your bio is in a foreign language (simply because I can't understand what it says).
• you are promising to boost my Twitter profile, but only have 3k followers.  
• you have no bio.
• you have no profile picture.
• your profile picture is a blurred one of a man in a military uniform and you have no bio aside from a line claiming to be a 'military office', or a 'man who care and fear god'.  The Happy Shopper version of online dating scams....
• your bio is a mass of hashtags and little else ~ yes, it may make you hit all categories, but it also makes you look like a desperate robot.  
• your profile picture is a business logo, unless the business really interests me, and the bio is otherwise well written.
• you want me to give you money (mention of gofundme or Kickstarter in the bio).
• your bio asks me to buy or 'check out' something.
• your bio shows only interests that I don't share (nothing personal, but if you love chick lit, football, hip hop music, Geordie Shore, cricket, GTA, cars or whatever, we will have nothing in common).
•  you promise to deliver me followers or 'likes' or blog views or anything similar, on any site.
• you profile picture is a beautiful girl, your header a wonderful scene, and your bio is nothing but an incorrectly spelled quote.  See, I know you're not really that beautiful girl and are probably a potential spammer/hacker. 

• You claim to be a 'thought leader', or to have the power to motivate or inspire me.  I suspect you're not, you haven't, and you won't.  Those who make such claims seldom are/have/will; I am not inspired by churned out, hackneyed 'motivational' memes, which is (experience tells me) is usually what such profiles offer.....

 

There's raising money online, and then there's online begging....

Today I was followed on Twitter by someone who described himself as a writer.  I almost always follow writers back, so I did with this one, too.

Later today I saw that I had some DMs; whenever I have a follow back session, I always get a rash of automated ones, as I presume you do, too.  You know:

• Hey!  Thanks for following.  If you'd like to connect on Instagram, Facebook, and thirty-three other sites too, here are all my links (no, why would I?  I don't know you.  It's a Twitter follow back, not the beginning of a meaningful relationship).
• Thanks for the follow.  Check out my blog/book at linklinklink (and my motivation for doing so is what, precisely?)
• Hi!  I know automated messages are awful, but I so want you to see this! (Listen.  Acknowledging that auto messages are awful doesn't make it okay to send them.  If you know, why are you doing it?  If anything, this makes it worse).

I've also had my share of links to pleasesendmeyourmoneynow.com, or gofundme or whatever it's called, as I am sure you have.  But today I got an absolute peach.  It was a long message from this guy asking me (and no doubt everyone else who'd followed him back) for money to get his book edited and illustrated.  He claimed it was something he'd wanted to do all his life - so why hadn't he managed to save up the cash for it?  He sent the links telling me how great Kickstarter is, and how I could send him money.  He even very kindly said that if I would like to spread the word for him, I could include the link in my tweets.  

I hope you don't mind me using this, Agent-X comics, it's so perfect!
I couldn't resist - says it all :)

He didn't even send a genuine, non-automated hello, first.

I couldn't believe my eyes.  Are these people completely lacking in any social skills?  Would they go up to a complete stranger in the street and ask them for money to edit their book?  If you're raising money for a worthy cause, yeah, tweet away (but please don't shove it in my face), and I hope you reach your goals, but setting up one of these online begging (because that's what it is) projects because you're too stupid/tight/poxy to save up the money to pay for an editor - well, either start saving now, or learn to edit your book yourself.  

And what of Patreon?  Users appear to fall into two camps:

• 1.  Those who have been supplying advice/a service for some time, free of charge, and are now asking those who follow them if they wouldn't mind donating to help them carry on doing so.  I have zero problem with this, and have in fact become a Patron of a book blogger who has done a great deal to support me.  He has earned it.
• 2.  Those who think they can get people to sponsor their hobby, with big promises about the rewards to be earned.  Inevitably, these rewards are worth little.  What they don't understand is that you have to be providing this service/advice/whatever for a while before you start up a Patreon, so that people know what you're offering is worth the outlay.  Trying to get Patrons in this way is like going to a publisher and saying, please can I have a publishing contract, and then I'll write a book.

One more thing.... if a publisher requires you to start up a Go Fund Me or Kickstarter, or whatever, it is not a proper publishing house, but a version of a vanity press.  Publishers pay authors; they don't expect them to raise their own funds to get a book edited/proofread, etc.

 

#TwitterTips ~ Tweeting with Style

Recently I've written four guest posts for book and writing blogger Rosie Amber, about how to get the most out of Twitter.

You can read the fourth one, Tweeting with Style, about how to make your tweets stand out, HERE

 

#TwitterTips: Retweeting and Post Sharing

Many say that the power of Twitter is not in the tweet but in the retweet, as it greatly expands the possible audience for your posts.

I've been guest posting with tips for more effective use of Twitter on Rosie Amber's blog; my article about retweeting and post sharing can be found HERE

#TwitterTips: How to get more Twitter followers

Here's my guest post about the how to get more Twitter followers the sensible way, on Rosie Amber's blog:

Twitter Tips 1: Getting More Followers

My Writing Life

I've come across a new book blog on Twitter, called Whispering Stories.  
Click HERE to read about Stacey, who runs it.  She features promotions, reviews, competitions, a monthly poem and other stuff such as her Author of the Week section, Fun Fact Friday and her new series, My Writing Life, in which she interviews writers about just that!

This week she's featuring me ~ you can read it HERE

Thank you, Stacey, and I hope the blog becomes a great success!  Whispering Stories blog is @storywhispers on Twitter.

A quick guide to Twitter bios....

Every couple of days I click on my Twitter followers to check out new ones and follow back those I'm interested in.  I'm guessing you do the same.  But how do you decided whether to follow back or not?  'Social media expert', 'chocaholic', 'loving life' - what do those bio details really mean? (ps, this is just a bit of fun....!)

Just 'Author' and nothing else
Doesn't really want to do Twitter but someone told him he ought to.  Your mutual follow will probably be your only interaction; he's off writing, somewhere.  

'Author and daydreamer'
Half way through writing a fantasy novel.  Will post tweets asking how to motivate oneself.

'Fuelled by coffee'
Either a) wants to give impression that he/she spends long hours tearing hair out over manuscript/other creative endeavour or b) is busy mum/office worker.

Expresses liking for wine and/or chocolate
Often a chick lit/romcom author and/or reader. Friendly, welcoming and supportive, and will be keen to interact on girly/domestic matters. Wishes to appeal to other chick lit/romance readers/authors/busy mums.

Bio is over-used 'profound' quote ('dance as though no-one is watching', 'be the change you want to see in the world', etc)
Doesn't actually live by any of these quotes, and otherwise has very little to say.  Possibly a spam profile.

Divides up | very important | sounding interests and | qualifications with | vertical lines
Will not interact, but will just post links to own and other posts about whatever very | important and | impressive things | are stated in bio.

'All round nice guy'
The ones I've come across who say this usually are, oddly!

'Eclectic Tastes'
Read a vampire book once and quite liked it. Watches the odd 'quirky' film as well as dramas featuring John Hannah/Bill Nighy.  Has tried Greek food. Subconsciously, hopes use of word 'eclectic' will impress.

'Be popular on Twitter!  Buy 10,000 followers for $5!'
...followed by user name of a jumble of letters.  Block. Now. They'll just keep sending you spam.  They're not people, they're just profiles set up by spammers and possible hackers.

'Aspiring author'
May request you read their stuff on Wattpad.  

'Debut author'
Usually friendly and keen to share stuff.

'Bestselling author'
Don't feel intimidated.  The 'bestselling' bit may not be absolutely true. In fact it might be a downright lie.  Those who truly are (ie the ones you've heard of) play themselves down on their bios (nothing to prove). May be too important to interact with you. Will tweet #writetips and blog posts about marketing.  You may experience an urge to be extremely rude to him/her.

'Critically acclaimed author'
Writes novels with lots of clever words in them and has some corking reviews from other critically acclaimed authors/literary sites.  Will post links to articles about state of publishing industry.  Tweets usually amusing/clever, sometimes self-consciously so.

'Award-winning author'
Again, don't be intimidated.  I've won an award for one of my books, too.  In fact I've won two.  But they weren't the Booker prize, they were online things set up by groups of avid readers/reviewers, as are many of those mentioned.  Nice to win, and I guess it shows you can write a bit, but all they really mean is a few people nominating then a bunch of others voting, not international acclaim.

'Avid reader.  Book Blogger'
If you're a writer, you want to follow these chaps. And treat them with respect!

'Please donate to my GoFundMe/Kickstart/GiveMeYourMoneyNow project to save my son/car/business/book that won't sell'
Well, it's up to you, but I know what I'd do...

Bio is articulate but includes swear words
Has not grown out of need to shock parents.  May challenge you to justify your lighthearted quips or be rude to you/unfollow you if you seem too mainstream

'Book Marketing Expert'
Will say hello/retweet you almost immediately, but once they realise you do not want to buy their services, you will never hear from them again.

'Oenophile'
If they even have to find a clever word for knocking back the Blossom Hill, imagine what their tweets are going to be like.... even if this is written with humour, proceed cautiously.

'#Follow back  #Retweeter #TeamWhatever'
Do not follow back.  Block if necessary; will send you spam.  Despite avatar of wholesome all American blonde girl, is probably male teenager from under-developed country, tweeting from internet cafe.

Bio invites you to check out website/buy product, thus: 'you can buy my book here (link)' or requests that you 'like' their Facebook page
Will send auto DM with annoying message, and auto 'thanks for follow, buy stuff from me now' tweets.  Will never interact or be interested in anything you have to say.  Thinks Twitter is free advertising site.

'Just here to have fun!'
Will comment in 'wacky' fashion on your tweets... 

'Thought Leader'
Bit of a twat

'Mediapreneur'
See 'thought leader'

'Mompreneur'
Stay at home mum who flogs things on ebay/makes own jewellery.  Worryingly perky.

'Photographer/Artist'
You should always follow these back because they post nice pictures

A claim to be any sort of 'guru', unless obviously being funny
Avoid like the plague (thank you, Paula!)

'SEO. Founder & CEO of (initials). Award Winning HRA Syndicated Educator. CNN. Speaker. Motivational Learning Consultant. SEOCNN'
No, I don't haven't got a clue what they do, either

Bio in different language from the one you speak
And the point is?

Expresses liking for vodka/whisky
Probably quite good fun

Bio is the description of a book/film
Person running profile will be interested only in selling you this book/promoting the film.  Only interaction will be to tag you in tweets suggesting you buy/watch/retweet it/try to get all your friends to buy/watch/retweet it.

'Following God's plan'
Will unfollow you as soon as you mention anything to do with knickers, vampires or alcohol, anyway.

'Single, honest and trustworthy guy, just want to be friends'
...or similar.  If accompanied by badly taken selfie (the sort that makes their neck and chin look huge, with the bathroom as a background), will probably just tweet 'hello' or 'how are you' once a week. You can actually feel them sitting there at their computer waiting for you to reply.  Usually harmless, sometimes pleasant, but be careful just in case. 

'I am lovely girls'
Porn site from a third world country


No bio at all
...can mean one of the following:
a) Spam profile
b) Person who has only registered half-heartedly and will never use site
c) Person who just doesn't know what to put on bio yet - what the hell, if they look nice, follow them back anyway!

***Take care...***
A new one I've noticed a lot lately.  A picture of an attractive woman that looks real enough.  The 'header pic' is a lovely scenery shot.  The bio is just a profound saying.  I tend to get clumps of these, four or five at a time.  I think they're potential hackers/spammers.  These people are getting more clever; they set up profiles that look real, then turn them into what they're really to be used for once they have many followers.



I'm sure you can think of more...did I once describe myself as 'award-winning' because someone said, what the hell, even a small award is good for promotion???  Yes, but I changed it after half a day as it made me feel silly!