Sunday, 30 June 2013

If Best Selling Authors were self-published....


..... little known, and struggling to get themselves read - can you imagine how they might promote themselves on Twitter?


Jackie Collins @JackieC


Writer ~ sexually charged romantic suspense
Characters fictional, any similarity to real people
purely coincidental... honest...
No DMs, please.  

Beverly Hills, LA

@JackieC  Lazing in the sun today?  So much better with those HOLLYWOOD WIVES... http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hollywood-Wives-ebook/dp/B006YZND18 #summerreads #BYNR

~~~


Jeffrey Archer @JArcherWrites



Amazon Bestselling Author of A MATTER OF HONOUR, KANE & ABEL
Award winning blagger (sorry, blogger)
Dramatist. Mediapreneur. Political animal
www.JeffreyArcher.com

@JArcherWrites Get Amazon Bestseller A TIME WILL TELL #now! This wknd ONLY £2.99! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Only-Time-Clifton-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B004WDZZP6 #it's2.99allthetimereally #IndieBooksBeSeen


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Bill Bryson @BillsTravels


Goes to lots of places and writes about them
All round nice guy (My wife says)
I've got one of those blog things too
www.notanothertravelblog.com

@BillsTravels Hi Guys, sorry haven't RTd for 3 months - been hiking the Appalachian trail! http://www.amazon.co.uk/Walk-In-The-Woods-ebook/dp/B0035OC826


~~~


Sophie Kinsella @chicklitprincess




Author of the SHOPAHOLIC series on Amazon
Chocaholic, wineaholic 
Pretend to be @MadelineWickham when I get fed up with 
writing about totally brain dead women

@chicklitprincess YAY!  Booksigning was brill & met the lovely @MarianKeyes there! pic.twitter.com../ #goddesslit


~~~



Stephen King @ScaryGuy



Author.  Paranormal & all that shit
Hates self-promo. Schedules tweets so doesn't have to 
talk to anyone
www.prolificwriter.com


@ScaryGuy What if you broke down in the snow and got rescued by.... your biggest fan?  MISERY http://www.amazon.co.uk/Misery-ebook/dp/B003BKZW7M #250morewhenyou'vefinishedthisone 


~~~


Jilly Cooper @PiscesWriterLady


Author of jolly romps Riders, Rivals, etc.  Wife, mother, proud Granny
Loves gardening, drinking wine, and common people;
they're so frightfully sweet and amusing!

A simply super house in rural Glos


@PiscesWriterLady Sitting in garden typing today.  Not getting hang of this Twitter lark.  Can someone tell me how to add links?



~~~



John Grisham @JohnGrisham


Amazon bestselling author of THE FIRM, THE CLIENT, etc.
Former lawyer and pretty cool guy.  
Totally gets all this branding stuff
www.JohnGrisham.com


@JohnGrisham Amazon Bestseller THE FIRM - soon to be made into a film starring that fish face lady and that mad short-arse puff bloke #MustRead http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Firm-ebook/dp/B003IDMUV8


~~~



Emily Barr @Adventurer


Contemporary Fiction author
Former travel journalist, now dipping my toes into 
the water of self-publishing!
Wife, mother, teacher

Cornwall


@Adventurer Off abroad to escape horrendous trauma of my past life - oh, no, sorry, that's my character... http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Perfect-Lie-ebook/dp/B003YFJ662



~~~





Douglas Kennedy @TheOtherMaineWriter


Contemporary Fiction/Thriller Writer
I observe, I plot, I write
Pretentious, moi?

Lone Beach house in Maine

@TheOtherMaineWriter New #blog post: Writing Women characters: just give them a female name and then write them as you would a man #sorted 


~~~





Danielle Steel @Superwoman


Prolific romance author living the American Dream, and then some :)
Published by $$DollarSigns Press
Wife and Mom
(I have my own perfume, too)

@Superwoman Morning Tweeps!  Edited one novel, researched another, fought law suit - phew, must be time for breakfast!  What have you guys got planned for today?


~~~



Jack Kerouac @JKerouac




Existentialist. Poet. Non-conformist.  
Hates Labels
Writes a bit

On The Road

@JKerouac New #Blog post: So what's all this #BeatGeneration shit about anyway? via @wordpress.com #MondayBlogs


~~~



Enid Blyton @FarawayTree




Children's Author.
Tuck boxes filled with high cholesterol food,
delinquent schoolgirls,
girls who pretend to be boys, and men 
with saucepans on their heads...
#don'tjudgeme

@FarawayTree What happened when Dick met Fanny? http://www.amazon.co.uk/Enid-Blyton-The-Biography-ebook/dp/B0078XHB40  #kidlit #fantasy #MustRead



~~~


GRR Martin @Direwolf


Author of epic #fantasy series
A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE
Books 6 & 7 out in 2015... or 2016..... or ....

Westeros


@Direwolf  Struggling with WIP.  Jon Snow - secret Targaryen?  Is Cold Hands Benjen Stark?  Could do with some more likes on my FB page facebook.com/Westeros...


~~~



JK Rowling @Gryffindor




Author of Harry Potter series for children #fantasy
Also written adult (not erotica!) novel CASUAL VACANCY
Single Mum
Twitter Newbie - please be patient!


@Gryffindor Sitting in cafe (with baby!) writing another #HarryPotter book, dreaming of bestsellerdom!  via Blackberry


~~~



EL James @MeAndMrGrey




Author of erotic novel 50 Shades of Grey, series planned
Chasing that book deal, like everyone else...
I don't follow trends, I set them

Chained to the bed, NW1

@MeAndMrGrey Anyone fancy being knocked about by a misogynistic psycho?  http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fifty-Shades-of-Grey-ebook/dp/B007L3BMGA #ASMSG #BDSM


If you enjoyed this and would like to see some more, you can find part two HERE and part three HERE












49 comments:

  1. How did you do that Terry? So impressed!xx

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    1. To tell you the truth, Sherrie, I was getting the ironing board out to do the week's ironing whilst watching the week's Corrie, when the idea just popped into my head, so I had to sit down and do it... !! Glad you liked it! :)

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    2. Love the latest additions too. You're very clever :) xx

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  2. This is absolutely brilliant! I laughed and laughed. Now to publicise this blog everywhere I can think of.

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  3. Yes, really funny Terry. the funny thing is, when you read how they might descirbe themselves, how desperate they sound, they all seem so much smaller in every way.

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    1. You're so right - cheers to you for seeing it in that way!

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  4. This is brilliant! What a brilliant idea! The Enid Blyton one in particular amused me ;-)

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    1. Glad you liked it, Kerry! Yeah, Enid was an afterthought - my husband suggested the Dick & Fanny line.... you might notice how that line is more basic in its humour than the rest of it!!

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  5. Fantastic post! Very amusing! Just what would happen if they were self-published, huh? A few sales here and there, perhaps :-)

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    1. Hi Dani - yes, it does make you wonder, doesn't it? Like Geoff said, above, it makes them seem somehow smaller! I'm glad you liked it - I only added JK Rowling and EL James just now, ha ha!

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  6. Terry, this is the most awesome blog post I have ever read/seen. I laughed myself silly at some of the things you posted. (mind you, that's not hard - laughing myself silly, I mean.) Each author's tweet was so appropriate, I can't imagine how long it took you. Now scared in case you 'do' me. Wait, I'm not famous enough - yet. This deserves a wider audience.

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    1. Lizzie - thanks hugely! Seeing as you asked - each one took about 10 minutes, I reel off this sort of stuff all the time anyway, but very little of it is of general appeal or suitable for putting out on the Twittersphere, ha ha!!! I'm really pleased you liked it so much. Well, I've just posted it on Monday Blogs, and it's had nearly 200 views so far, so I hope more people get to read it, and like it as much as you have! I really appreciate you posting it, too. Which one is your favourite? I like Douglas Kennedy, Jilly Cooper and .... oh, it's hard!!

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  7. So Enid Blyton wrote transgender, gluttony youth porn. Must re-examine my Sadistic Seven collection, and re-read "Five Go Down (to the Sea)" for those subliminal sexual references.

    I wonder, now, if the phrase "lashings and lashings of ginger beer" might have a homophobic/sadistic message hidden therein.

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    1. You old perv, KJ! Now I know where Rathbone gets it from xx

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  8. Those were so clever and so much fun to read. Glad I saw the Tweet about the blog.

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    1. Many thanks, Maryann, and I'm so pleased you enjoyed it! I may add to it as time goes on ...!

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  9. You could start a whole trend here!!

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    1. Aye, CH, I think maybe! I hope you approve :)

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  10. ha ha ha ha ha - that's me just getting time to read it, but seriously ha ha ha ha ha. The Enid Blyton one was my favourite too, simply because I was reading The Faraway Tree a few weeks ago. Possibly your best blog post. Bring on more in that vein - very funny indeed, Sooz x

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    1. Yeah, it's going to be hard to follow this one up, I think... something will occur to me at some point, I daresay! Most people's favourite seems to be Enid Blyton - I only added it as an afterthought when Him Indoors suggested the Dick and Fanny line....

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  11. It's so good, you may have to announce your retirement from blogging so you can bow out on a high!

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    1. Thank Christ for that. You mean I can just watch telly an' stuff in me spare time, instead, now?

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  12. Isn't El James self-published? 50 Shades of Grey being a fanfic, published online - a form of self-publishing

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    1. She was self-published originally, yes - she's got a book deal since.

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  13. Brilliant, Terry! Spot on! I loved Bill Bryson and Stephen King's. You are clever! Must have had a heap of fun doing these :-)

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  14. Thanks Val :) Yes, I did enjoy doing these - and I'm glad to see you must be a Bryson lover, too! That's one thing he hasn't done yet, but I wish he would - life on a barge! A Walk in the Woods is my favourite of his, but I love them all :)

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  15. This is hilarious, Terry, and such an original idea. I particularly loved Jilly Cooper... and Bill Bryson, whom I've always found intensely irritating for some reason I can't put my finger on! Well, let's face it, I find them all irritating, though it's probably just jealousy. LOL!!

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    1. Ah, told you you'd like it, Peter! Right, I might have to fall out with you now, because Bill Bryson is one of my favourite people in the world, ha ha! Thank you for liking the less obvious ones... my favourites are Jilly C, Douglas Kennedy and the fact that GRR Martin wants more likes on his FB page... but obv it depends who you've read much of! One lady liked best that Jack Kerouac uses the #MondayBlogs hashtag...! btw, if you, like, use LOL in that way, yeah, people think you're doing it seriously lmao :) Oh, wtf, eh! :)

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  16. Oh my gawd, Terry, you're hilarious! :) I'm laughing myself silly here. This is so original and masses of thought has gone in to it. Very clever and hilarious. Enid Blyton is my favourite. Brilliant tweets :). X

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  17. Iron on, darling. You are genius.

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    1. Thanks, Peter and Alice! There's a part 2, as well, that I posted yesterday, with the literary greats like Dickens and Chaucer - part 3 coming soon....!

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  18. This is great! The lengths we'll go to to get out of ironing!

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  19. Very, very funny! Well done. I've tweeted about it.

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    1. Thanks, Ben! If you look at July and August down the side >>>> of my blog, there are instalments 2 & 3, as well :)

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  20. That was a sheer delight to read! Have to check out the next installments.

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    1. Thanks a lot, Marina - hope you like the others, too!

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  21. That was brilliant and sooo original! Clever and witty...I'm so jealous that I'm not as creative as you! Do one about me! Please!!! xoxo

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    1. Ha ha - glad you liked - and I wouldn't dream of doing them about people I know - tell you what, I'll do one when you're famous!!! Actually, though, you've just given me an idea - I might do a post for selected friends, all together.... okaaaay...!!!xx

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    2. Yay!!! Work it girl! I can't wait!....BTW, in my town of twenty, I'm plenty famous! Just ask Steph over at the Chucklespace blog. Soon I'll be mayor of my Starbucks!

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    3. Ha ha! I do actually think it might be quite fun to do.... leave it with me, won't be this week but I'll keep in on the pending list! :)

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  22. I m excited for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.I cant wait for releasing date of the movie.
    Fifty Shades of Grey

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  23. Don't know how I missed this post the first time around?! So happy it was flagged in your 'most popular posts' widget - nearly spat my tea out. Loved Enid Blyton's tweet!

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    1. Aha - yes, this is the beauty of the 'most popular posts' thing, which I have only just discovered! Because people look at other ones, then they get flagged up, which leads to other ones, and....!!! It's increased all my views no end!!

      I did this quite a long time ago, as you can see - hope you saw the other two parts too!!

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  24. First time I've seen this and you've had me laughing - brilliant :-)

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    1. Ah - made me realise it might be worth tweeting again. Julia said to me that they made her laugh all over again today...!

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  25. Brilliant!!Sarching out the others.

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