Monday, 7 January 2013
OH MY GOD I'M SUCH A FAT PIG!!
..... yes, it's that time of year!
Last night I looked in the mirror and was appalled by what I saw. However skillful your make-up, nothing can disguise those chubby cheeks... and don't get me started on the stomach that seems to the THERE, in my way, whatever I'm doing....
I decided, this morning, that a drastic kick-start was necessary. Last year, a friend of mine went from being fairly hefty to looking pretty good, by doing one of those diets where you pay someone shedloads of money to send you a load of dried STUFF, then just eat that instead of real food. Sounds a bit crazy, yes, but it worked, she looks great, and she's kept it off.
I knew that she'd been on these special 'juice cleanse' things, too, obtained from the same company. I don't usually go in for that sort of thing, but, as I said, emergency measures are called for, particularly as in two weeks' time I have to meet up with two slim and glamorous friends who I haven't seen for a while!
Aforementioned friend gave me the link to the website for this 'juice cleanse' thingy. I looked at it. The cost was £200 for a 5 day course.
Okay, you've picked yourself up off the floor, right? But I expect you thought the same as I did. Two hundred quid for five days' worth of fruit juice??? What sort of profit margin do they make on that, one wonders?? I'm in the wrong job!
So, that one's out of the window. I shall now go to Morrissons, and buy lots of fruit to make my own.
On the subject of having to meet my slim and glamorous friends, though, something else occurred to me. Men don't worry about this sort of thing, do they? Why can't women be more like men?
Consider these two scenarios.
John and Bob are meeting up for the first time in 6 months. John has put on a lot of weight.
Bob (giving John's stomach a playful slap): Christ, mate, what's all that? Did you leave any of the pies for anyone else??!
John: Fuck off you cheeky tosser.
They laugh and retire to the bar for a drink, the subject now done and dusted.
Clare, Lucy and Emma meet up for the first time in 6 months. Clare has put on a lot of weight.
Clare: God, I was dreading meeting up with you - I've really piled the weight on since giving up my job. Well, you can see I have - okay, I've been sitting on the sofa with the ice cream too... I feel horrible!
Lucy: You still look fine. Honestly, it's not half as bad as you think, and you're wearing the right clothes to hide it.
Emma: Don't worry. Happens to us all. Try the Atkins diet, it's brilliant. But you look great, anyway!
Clare goes to loo...
Lucy: Crikey, hasn't she piled it on! I mean, she's still pretty, but ...
Emma. Yeah, but she needs to get a grip. She told me she's a size 14, but I reckon it's more like 16.....
Both cast an eye up and down each other's forms, to assess which of them is the thinnest.
I'd just like to say that the above is just a bit of fun, and my friends are both honest, funny, talk about more interesting things than weight loss/appearance, and wouldn't dream of remarking how fat I am, as soon as I am out of the room....