Monday, 7 January 2013

OH MY GOD I'M SUCH A FAT PIG!!


..... yes, it's that time of year!


Last night I looked in the mirror and was appalled by what I saw.  However skillful your make-up, nothing can disguise those chubby cheeks...  and don't get me started on the stomach that seems to the THERE, in my way, whatever I'm doing....

I decided, this morning, that a drastic kick-start was necessary.  Last year, a friend of mine went from being fairly hefty to looking pretty good, by doing one of those diets where you pay someone shedloads of money to send you a load of dried STUFF, then just eat that instead of real food.  Sounds a bit crazy, yes, but it worked, she looks great, and she's kept it off.  

I knew that she'd been on these special 'juice cleanse' things, too, obtained from the same company.  I don't usually go in for that sort of thing, but, as I said, emergency measures are called for, particularly as in two weeks' time I have to meet up with two slim and glamorous friends who I haven't seen for a while!

Aforementioned friend gave me the link to the website for this 'juice cleanse' thingy.  I looked at it.  The cost was £200 for a 5 day course.

Okay, you've picked yourself up off the floor, right?  But I expect you thought the same as I did.  Two hundred quid for five days' worth of fruit juice??? What sort of profit margin do they make on that, one wonders??  I'm in the wrong job!  

So, that one's out of the window.  I shall now go to Morrissons, and buy lots of fruit to make my own.  

On the subject of having to meet my slim and glamorous friends, though, something else occurred to me.  Men don't worry about this sort of thing, do they?  Why can't women be more like men?  

Consider these two scenarios.


Scenario I

John and Bob are meeting up for the first time in 6 months.  John has put on a lot of weight.

Bob (giving John's stomach a playful slap): Christ, mate, what's all that?  Did you leave any of the pies for anyone else??!

John:  Fuck off you cheeky tosser.

They laugh and retire to the bar for a drink, the subject now done and dusted.


Scenario II

Clare, Lucy and Emma meet up for the first time in 6 months.  Clare has put on a lot of weight.

Clare: God, I was dreading meeting up with you - I've really piled the weight on since giving up my job.  Well, you can see I have - okay, I've been sitting on the sofa with the ice cream too...  I feel horrible!

Lucy: You still look fine.  Honestly, it's not half as bad as you think, and you're wearing the right clothes to hide it.

Emma:  Don't worry.  Happens to us all.  Try the Atkins diet, it's brilliant.  But you look great, anyway! 

Clare goes to loo...

Lucy:  Crikey, hasn't she piled it on!  I mean, she's still pretty, but ...

Emma.  Yeah, but she needs to get a grip.  She told me she's a size 14, but I reckon it's more like 16.....

Both cast an eye up and down each other's forms, to assess which of them is the thinnest. 


I'd just like to say that the above is just a bit of fun, and my friends are both honest, funny, talk about more interesting things than weight loss/appearance, and wouldn't dream of remarking how fat I am, as soon as I am out of the room....




26 comments:

  1. I feel exactly the same today : )

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    1. Amanda, I've just been shopping for all the fruit and veg in the supermarket, and am making a vegetable stew! It's going to have aduki beans in it and all that stuff! I hope you we BOTH feel better soon :)

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  2. Ahaha, more Britches eh? Love your post Glodie! My favorite line... Fuck off you cheeky tosser. I'm gonna whisper that to myself all day. Lubs ya no matter what size you are. Oh, and there is an app my friend is using that adds up everything for you I'll find the name for you. She has lost 1 stone in the last 2 week on it. It adds up everything you eat and what exercise you've had. In the end you learn the consequences for your wee snackies and instead of crash dieting and ruining your health, you come out other end slim and educated. What a concept, eh?

    Lubs ya, KJ

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    1. Aha, I love that - Britches!!! I know, my husband loves me however fat i am, too, but I want to feel GOOD when I go out, not all this 'oh shit what can I wear that i don't look too fat in'. I'm not going to crash diet, I'm just going to very strictly diet to give it a boost - tons of fruit and veg! As i commented to Amanda, above, I'm stocked up and on the case!!! xxx

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  3. You'll be fine! (har har har!). And KJ, 14lbs weight loss in 2 weeks sounds impossible and dangerous, unless one starts off at 22 stone or something. Tel, it sounds as though your biggest problem will be breaking wind, har har again! I liked 'Fuck off, you cheeky tosser' also.

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  4. Absolutely loved this! Your opening paragraph read as if you'd been sitting in my head watching me through the mirror! The two scenarios were guffawingly accurate!.....I'm drenched in empathy!...(about as close as I'll get to sweating 'cos of exercise!)...Great stuff!...

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    1. ha ha! Thanks Lynn - and thanks for following the blog! I've had less than 1000 calories today, I am happy to announce... day one! :)

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  5. Algernon Theodore Malzeard7 January 2013 at 18:20

    Being of the gentlemanly persuasion, I feel obliged to make some observations. I detect a slight misunderstanding of the concept of dieting (which, incidentally, was invented by homosexual men to get back at their mothers). It's actually based on the idea of eating fewer calories than your daily activities burn off, so tons of fruit and veg and vegetable stews with magic beans will only help if accompanied by getting off one's ample backside and doing some exercise, otherwise it's just what we chaps call 'eating'. And another thing; men don't mind fat birds as their lowered self esteem makes them less likely to be porked by anybody else and more likely to put up with more of our insufferable shit.
    The only natural conclusion I can draw from your post is that men have actual friends, whereas women know some shallow harpies they're in competition with.
    By the way, beauty contests were also invented by men. I don't know...did Magna Carta die in vain?

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    1. I love this man, and think he may be Mike Fordham. If not, he's someone we should know!

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    2. I believe I know who it is....

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  6. Now at the risk of sounding smug, I am dead skinny! NO I'm not, but at least this year I have a reason, being pregnant. And no, it doesn't give me licence to eat for two, but it does mean I can't diet. It also makes it a lot more difficult to exercise, but I am going to try and go swimming today. Terry, what will happen is at the end of a few days, all that expensive crap you bought at the supermarket, will go off or out of date and you will be out of pocket! Exercise is definitely key. Losing a stone in 2 weeks is dangerous. It's not rocket science. We all know it's steamed vegetables, grilled chicken or fish. Problem is no-one wants to eat that for long, as it's boring! Even a wee walk every day, starts to take the weight off. Problem = our crap weather in this country (hence I'm going swimming!) Good luck, but remember, it's mainly only you that think you're lardy! Oh btw, just read 1st Jan post and commented. Love the fact that you wanted to write about diet-obsessed people and now here you are a week later doing the same! Food for thought (pardon the pun) Sooz x

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    1. Sooooooz, I have several things to say! a) the stuff I bought at the supermarket was no more expensive than rubbish food. b) I know all that excersise/not doing it too quickly stuff; as I mentioned in an email, I've been dieting with varied success for over 40 years. I know all the theory; sometimes I stick to it and sometimes I don't, that's all!! c) I love steamed vegetables d) I only ever eat things I really love e) I can't walk very far because of my painful arthritic knee. f) I am not diet obsessed, but need to shed a stone before I like looking in the mirror again g) Doing it very strictly is only a desperate measure so I can get rid of a few pounds before meeting pals. Oh, and h) thank you for reading this, and your long and considered comment!! Phew!!!! ha ha!!! :)

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    2. Pregnant! That's a good one Susan. I'll try that one myself as soon as I've worn out "glandular".

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  7. Hortense Podgely8 January 2013 at 01:19

    I'm big-boned.

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  8. Yes. Weight. Perennial problem. Just had 'talk' with BH (overweight, Type 2 diabetes) re nurse's comment that he 'needs to lose weight'. His interpretation: I'll do a bit more walking. They really don't care. Even when it's a health issue. Me, I obsess about every tiny roll of fat. Mad. Loved this blog, laughed.Agree with Sooz - healthy good food and exercise (walking not expensive gym). And stay off TV programmes that show 'makeovers'. Sorted.

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  9. I know the feeling. I'm on all sorts of medication for my autoimmune disease and they all cause crazy weight gain. Especially the steroids. I want to scream when I look in the mirror! I've got to get a bunch of fruit and vegetables and see if that helps.

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  10. Hi Terry
    Its not just you women who suffer from wanting to look fit. Ive been working out for three years and have now found out the reason i couldnt get the muscles i wanted and get rid of my belly was wrong nutrition. Joined an online fitness/diet/bodybuilding site only cost me £32.00 for the whole year. Being a diet concious woman you are going to find this crazy but i thought ne being good was cutting out crisps,chocolate,chips etc. I can not believe since ive had to log all the calories,fat,protein etc in everything i now eat how much fat there is in just normal foods,i never stood a chance. Because i'm not that big framed just a small belly looks stupid on me so ive joined the diet world you women normally keep as your own and have lost 3.5 pounds in a couple of weeks. Operation six pack has truly started along with my mid life crisis (i think turning 50 was the key lol) Anyway good luck and keep up the good work pehaps in a few months we can compare bellys hehe.
    Positivejules

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  11. I'm exxpecting to start doing book signings in August and I have been thumbing through every stupid magazine and website I could find just to loose a few pounds, I agree with you we're in the wrong bussiness. hehe thanks for blogging that I cracked up at what you wrote and myself.

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  15. Aw! I know the feeling....:( :(
    The play made me smile!

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  18. Hilarious read! I'm staring in the mirror quite a bit myself and hating what I see! How did I get this way? Did I really not even realize my belly hung down so far?

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    1. Haha, thanks, MommyIAN!!! D'you know, I've started to whisk past mirrors pretty swiftly....!

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