THE BEST SALES PLOY EVER

....I bet you thought I was going to tell you how to sell tons of books, didn't you?  Well, it's nothing to do with that!

This is it.

Weightwatchers desserts

They are about 130 calories each (lots of different sorts, my current favourite is the strawberry meringue).  They come in packs of two, and they're GORGEOUS.


The clever sales ploy is putting them in packs of two.

You're trying to lose some weight and you see them in Morrissons and you buy them.  At only 130 calories they can't do any harm, can they?  Later on you eat one, and if you're quite strong willed you save the other one until the next day.  Then, because they're so lovely, next time you're in the supermarket you buy two packs of two; maybe the strawberry meringue, and the chocolate brownie.

Back at home you're not quite so strong willed as the day before, and this time you eat one after dinner, and the other one from the packet a few hours later, whilst watching telly.  Next day you remember how lovely they were, and eat the third one at lunch time.  Followed by the fourth one at about four pm, because they're only 130 calories each, and that's quite reasonable for an afternoon snack, isn't it?

You have now eaten 520 calories worth of zero nutrition, probably extra to the calories you would have otherwise eaten had you not discovered Weightwatchers desserts.

 Thus, you don't lose any weight.

Thus, you resume the diet the following Monday.  Diet resumed (in your head, anyway) you know you'll need low calorie ways to satisfy your sweet tooth.  So, whilst in the supermarket buying all your diet food, you buy a packet of Weightwatchers desserts, promising yourself that you will only eat one per day after dinner.  Of course, you don't.

And so it goes on.

I can see myself buying these lovely, wretched little things forever.

The current outrage against fake reviews...

..... and those that people pay for, which amount to the same thing - they're all fake.

This is what I think:

Yes, the whole practice is appalling, but I'm not joining in with the pitchfork waving on various blogs, or the signing of petitions, and nor shall I adopt the phrase 'sock puppet', which is already over-used.

For a start, they're few and far between, which is one of the reasons we hear about them when they're brought to light.  We worry that they will undervalue the 99.9% of reviews that are genuine, but they probably won't.   Don't forget, most people who have Kindles probably don't even know about all this; remember the LendInk row?  Has that had any lasting effect on any of the authors involved?  What's that?  You've never heard of it?  There you go, then.

Yes yes, it's amazing that John Locke has admitted to paying for some of his, but it's probable that his books would have sold as many without them - he had LOADS of great contacts, was one of the first to do the ebook thing, and I daresay his books are highly saleable anyway.

The people who resort to paying for reviews or writing their own fake ones are to be pitied, and educated, perhaps  - how bad does your book (or, more likely, your marketing) have to be, that you can't get proper reviews for it?  Posting fake ones won't do them any good in the long run; rather the opposite.  If people have bought a book on the basis of its 20 five star reviews, then find it to be crap, they're more likely to feel annoyed and write a bad review.  Also, they run the risk of being outed, as happened to RJ Ellory.  Incidentally, he was doing well anyway - must be some kind of nut!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/booknews/9521564/RJ-Ellory-admits-posting-fake-book-reviews-over-past-10-years.html

Eventually, the scum will rise to the surface; and it won't affect YOU, either.  I think people are forgetting one thing: the reading public/Amazon customers (which includes authors, too) is/are not stupid.  If a book has 10 5* reviews on the week of its publication, from people who have reviewed nothing else, (ie, from neither reviewers who received pre-publication review copies, nor loyal readers who've been looking forward to it) we KNOW some of them are likely to be fake.

Does 'fake' also run to getting all your mates to write great reviews, even if they haven't read it?  - ah, here we come to a blurred line.  If a friend of yours reads your book and loves it, then chooses to review it (maybe with a little prompting from you), does that make it a 'fake' review, too?

Since I've put my books out into the world,  I've gained a fair few readers who read them all, recommend them to others, and write reviews of them.  I've got to know some of them, which is great.  Some have become online friends; lovely!  Are other, already existing friends who read your book only because they know you, then write a review because a) they've loved it and b) you asked them to, really any different?  I'm sure you'll agree it's a grey area!

But back to paying for reviews.  Yes, it's a dreadful practice, and all I can say is more fool the writers who pay these scumbags to do such a thing, thus enabling them to earn money from idiots who should know better.  As for creating fake profiles to write good reviews for yourself and bad ones for 'the competition' - well, perhaps if they spent that time working on making their own books better, they wouldn't need to.

DREAM ON - my new novel!

.... is now available on Amazon!


Here's the blurb for the Amazon page, so you can see what it's about:

Dave Bentley was born to be a rock star.

He’s a reincarnated Viking warrior, too….

When Dave forms his new band, Thor, there are plenty of sleepless nights for Janice, his on-off girlfriend and mother of his son.  Not only must she deal with the thrills and spills of life as a hardworking single mum, but also the imminent return of singer-songwriter Ariel Swan, Dave’s one true love.

Poor Janice.  Dave is still the love of her life.

Ariel and her friend Melodie (whose ambition is to be ‘a celebrity’) decide to enter a TV talent competition – so Thor go along, too.  This adventure brings about big changes in the lives of all of them – none of which Dave could have anticipated.

One member of Thor even ends up on The Jeremy Kyle Show…..

~~~~

It's a bit shorter than my other ones (80K words instead of 90-95K), simply because that was all the story required.  It's more humorous, too, what with Dave and his pub band, and Melodie with her 'celebrity' aspirations - oh, and other talent show contestants, and The Jeremy Kyle Show, and....! One of my test readers described it as a 'kitchen sink drama' - there is quite a bit of serious real life/relationship stuff going on as well.

I'm planning a sequel for it, which I will start writing soon.  If you've enjoyed my other books I think you will like this one, too - if not, I hope this one will spark your interest!

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Things that make me go GRRRRR

I don't experience learning curves, I just learn things.


I don't pop across to the dentist's chair, your blogsite, the checkout, or indeed anywhere else - I just go there, okay?Similarly, medical people, do not just pop the needle into my arm, or ask me to just pop my clothes off, right?

Neither do I simply pop things into the oven, despite the instructions on the back of various foodstuffs.  The words 'put' and 'take' are fine; we don't have to be all pseudo-chummy about this.


When I have any experience that lasts a while, or decide to do something new, I am not going on a journey, unless I am, during this time, for instance, catching the number 27 to Morrissons.  

I have changes in my life, but they are not necessarily sea changes.

I may be pleased about something, but I most certainly do not *do a happy dance*  or, if triumphant, *do a victory dance*


I make guesses or estimates, I do not make guestimates.


When I worked as the Accounts person in an engineering firm, I was not a number cruncher.


Can't I want all my book covers to look similar without creating a brand?


I imagine all teachers make a difference every day of their lives, they don't have to make a song and dance about it.


I prefer to get together and discuss things with people, rather than touch base.

That stuff around my waist is not curves, it's fat.


I can really love doing something, get very enthusiastic about it - obsessed for a while, even - but I haven't suddenly started to describe it as 'my passion'

I don't source, gift or growth things, I do not task people to do anything, and I would certainly never birth or parent.  Why not?  Because they are nouns, not verbs.


I will never, ever attend a webinar.  I might look at an online seminar, though.

I laugh a lot and I am probably slightly unconventional in outlook, but I am not quirky, sassy, kooky, and please strike me down the day I become bubbly.


I will send you a message on Facebook, I will not inbox you.


When I talk about something that used to happen in the past, I will refrain from using the term 'back in the day'.

Anyone who tries to sell me a few olives, nuts and seeds in some crappy container and calls it a graze box is at risk of getting it shoved where the sun etc etc.


I do not have tipples, I have drinks

When I find something particularly enjoyable to eat or drink, I say 'Mmmm', not nom nom nom.

...thank you to Sarah Vogel for reminding me of this one - if I want something in a shop I say "Please can I have", not "can I get...", one of the many things that sound okay when Americans say it, but awful when English people adopt it.  Dude.



There are many, many more, and more will be added, unfortunately, as time goes on, and these will be adopted by many, too, alas......  

"How dare they say I can't write BUM on a wall?"

Note: since writing this, over two years ago, my attitude to this has mellowed slightly, as I realise that some people give bad reviews to a book for reasons other than it being crap!

My last post on here was about accepting bad reviews.  I've written in the past about how I disagree with the 'culture of encouragement' that can give fairly average writers the false impression that they are likely to win the next Booker Prize, and also about whether or not authors should comment on reviews at all (I don't think they should).  Since then, I've had discussions with other writers about whether bad reviews are cruel and unnecessary, and whether the reviewer should give constructive criticism (including suggestions of how a flaw might be improved).

I've also just read an article in the Guardian about some group on Goodreads that 'outs' bullying authors who snap back at reviewers.  It suggested, amongst other things, that the group was as bad as the bullying authors.  I haven't looked at the group, but I imagine I would agree.  I did actually see one of these groups on Goodreads and almost joined, just out of nosiness, to see what it was all about, but stopped myself in time!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2012/jul/19/literary-feuding-sinks-new-low?CMP=twt_gu

It all seems a tad like the playground, to me.

This is my view on the subject:

The purpose of a review is to tell the reading public what you thought of a book, to advise them whether or not to read/purchase it.  If you didn't like it, you have the right to say so.  If you (ie, the author) puts something out for sale/on show, you must expect criticism.  The purpose of a review is not to give an author feedback.  To most people, your book is a product, for sale, and that is all.  I know it doesn't feel like it when you've slaved over it for nine months, but that is how the reading public sees it.  I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh!  If you want feedback on your work, there are plenty of creative writing/critiquing groups you can join. 

The self-published book market gets bigger and bigger all the time - some of the stuff therein is marvellous, and would probably have been taken up by an agent/publisher in different times.  Some of it is very good, some quite good, some just okay.  Some of it is dire; those manuscripts that made the agent say "Jesus H Christ, what IS this crap?"  are now appearing on Amazon, along with five star reviews by the author's mates. Sometimes, people need to be told not to give up the day job.

It's a bit like The X Factor and similar shows; people who couldn't sing a note would be told by Simon Cowell, forget it, you can't sing; they would be seen outside the audition room in tears, saying "but everyone (read: my family and close friends) tells me I've got a brilliant voice!  It's all I've ever wanted to do!"

Yes, but you can't sing, love.  Desire to do something doesn't necessarily mean the talent is present.  I'd love to be able to paint wonderful landscapes.  I can't, though.  I'd love to be an actress.  If I ever tried, I suspect I might be fairly average.  No-one can tell you you mustn't write if you enjoy it, or that you mustn't publish your work, but once you put it 'out there' it WILL get commented on. 

People are entitled to their point of view.  It is not the responsibility of the reader (who doesn't know you from Adam) to give you helpful suggestions that might help you improve your work.  Having said this, if I don't think a book is much cop, I won't review it; knowing how it feels to get a particularly vicious bad review, I wouldn't want to bestow that feeling upon anyone!  Furthermore, I do understand that some reviewers might have their own issues with the writer him/herself, or indeed with any writers who have managed to finish a novel.   They might make comments that seem unnecessarily cruel, for a variety of reasons.  And yes, it's frustrating when the reader just doesn't 'get' what you were doing with the story; however, you can't tell someone how to read a book. All this, however, is another subject.

Every time you tweet or write on Facebook that a certain film or TV programme is rubbish, you are, in effect, giving a bad review.  Yet I imagine some of those 'bullying' authors have done just that, many times.

Another thing to consider is whether your first novel should be your debut....  

What I think about bad reviews

Ooh look, a new review!!  Scroll down the Amazon page to the most recent reviews... and, oh no, it's one of those nasty little ones with hardly any yellow stars....

Yes, bad reviews are horrible, but they don't really matter all that much, unless you're getting more than about 7% bad ones - unless they ALL say that there are grammatical and punctuation errors, in which case you might have some work on your hands, but that's a different subject.  

Here are some of the things people say when they get them: 

• "Huh!  Obviously someone with an axe to grind!"
• "Well, why read it if it's not their usual type of book?"
• "They just didn't understand it."
• "Some people just want to knock something that everyone else says is good."
• "I looked at their other reviews and they give bad reviews to everyone."
• "I don't think they'd actually read it, or they wouldn't have said that!"
• "Probably downloaded it when it was free, forgot it was a freebie, found it wasn't their usual genre, so felt annoyed that they'd paid money for it."
• "I bet it's one of so-and-so's mates; she must have asked them all to write me bad reviews." 
• "Must be a troll!"

Whatever.  I've said a couple of those myself, in the past; I bet you have, too.  I don't do so anymore, though.  I've faced up to reality. 

Mostly, if someone gives your book a bad review, it's because they didn't like it. End of.  Furthermore, they are entitled to express that opinion.  I've written another post about whether or not people should write bad reviews; that, too, is another subject - I'm just trying to help you deal with the ones you do get!


The odd bad review doesn't actually matter that much.  Forget about it.  Who says everyone has to love everything you do?  Are you really that insecure?  No, of course you're not!  

Consider this: you know how those 'Best Films of All Time' lists always feature Star Wars, somewhere near the top?  I went to see it when it was first released, and fell asleep within the first half hour.  I've tried watching the sequels a couple of times, and the same thing has happened.

If it had been a book, I'd have given it a one star review - because it bored me witless and I didn't enjoy it at all.  Okay, I may have given it 2 stars because it was well executed, but that's about it.

Most would disagree with me.  I was one of the 10%, or maybe 5% who didn't like it - and I'm sure whoever produced/directed/wrote the damn thing hasn't lost a moment's sleep over me, or all the people like me.

Remember that one man's meat is another man's poison, then vow never to use cliches like that in your next book!  My most widely read novel, You Wish, has been described as 'absolutely brilliant, clever and insightful', and also 'a complete load of rubbish' - and practically every variation in between!  

Oh, just one more thing.... when you're being very reasonable and mature about it all, try to really not mind, unlike the chap in the cartoon below.....!!

Literary Festival, anyone?

*NB June 2015: One of my first blog posts, back when I was persuaded by fellow Twitterly writers that I really had to have a blog...  I'm amazed I had to be persuaded now, it's like a fifth limb!!*
 

One of my lovely new online writer friends suggested to me that we might meet up some time at some Literary Festival or other, as we are, at the moment, only friends via Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads and email.  I thought this was a most excellent idea; I'd love to meet in person some of my fellow Twitterers!

I mentioned this idea to my husband.  He said. "A Literary Festival?  What happens at one of those, then?  Do you all sit around on the grass, smoking dope and swigging cider while someone reads from 'Jane Eyre'?  Do you stand in your wellies in the mud, holding up your cigarette lighter in the dark, during the first chapter of 'On The Road'?



You can just see it, can't you?

"I missed the last half of 'Great Expectations' because I was chucking up after eating some under-cooked lentils I bought from one of those veggie food stands."

"I'm getting too old for these gigs, I'd rather listen to 'Catcher in the Rye' on audio book than wade around in the mud for three days"

"I thought 'A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu' was rubbish live.  Didn't enjoy it half as much as I did the book."

"Aye, but you were pissed when the fella was reading it.  You were trying to chat that bird in the denim shorts up.  The one with the lemonade bottle full of vodka, remember?"

"Nah, Sebastian Faulk's 'Birdsong' ain't half as good as it was last year.  Anyone want a bang on this?  It makes it sound better, honest."

"Who's headlining this year?  Some dude in glasses reading the best of W Somerset Maugham?  Far out!" 

Can't wait, sounds like a blast!

...and let us look at Glastonbury, 1970 style and then... 2014

Free Sex and Money! Here!

I read a very interesting blog today by an American author called Toby Neal entitled "Is anyone reading blogs anymore?"

It was about the endless round of author interviews and guest blogs, etc, she did when promoting her first book - now, about to release her second, she wonders if she can be bothered to do it all over again.  Her question was, does anyone actually read them?  Apart from those who know the author, anyway.  My initial answer was 'no'.  My point being that most of them are all the same (some aren't - Tracie Banister's is a bit different, has more interesting questions).  Also, there are hundreds of thousands of bloggers, hundreds and thousands of indie authors out there - yes, your book and what drove you to write it is fascinating to you, your family and some friends, but not of THAT much interest to everyone else.  I highlighted my point by saying that although I had seen Toby's name up and down Twitter for ages, I hadn't actually investigated anything she wrote until she wrote a blog with  a title that caught my eye.  Now I know about her and the name of her book.  Blood Orchid.  See, I even remembered it, an hour later!  I might even check it out!

Hence the title of this blog post.  Did it make you read it?  Well, perhaps not.

Then I thought about the subject more (I do tend to leap in, it has to be said).  Whereas doing an author interview may not get 100 people going "hey, this girl is OUT THERE! I must buy her book, review it and recommend it to all my friends!", it is all a part of the interaction with people and goodwill thing amongst the writer community.  Also, it might get both you and the blogger new followers, who you might really like/start helping each other out....  as another writer had commented on Toby's post, it's a slow thing.

One of the other problems with this blogging thing is that there are so many zillions of them out there that you can miss a good one; I read about 3 a day, I think, ones that particularly catch my eye - if I like a post by someone, I might read another of theirs.  If I like that, too, I might spread the word about the blog as a whole.  Quantum of Thought.  That's a good one.  http://quantumofthought.wordpress.com/  (No, nothing to do with me, it's not a self-plug!)

Before I became part of the Twittersphere I used to post blogs (occasionally) on Facebook and MySpace.  They always got a stack of views and comments, but on Twitter there are so many being posted that they don't stand out.

To sum up - give your blog post a title that will make people look at it!  Maybe not like this one, though...!

Keep Your Kit ON!

*First posted in 2012, updated in 2014*

~~~

This morning I was half watching a Saturday morning cookery programme, and saw 1980s iconic punk princess Toyah Wilcox showing us how to make an amazing recipe with pollock.

Of course, Toyah is now in her fifties - as is Kim Wilde, who regularly appears on gardening programmes.

Kim Wilde in the 1980s

Kim Wilde in horticultural mode, in recent years.

This made me wonder if, in decades to come, we will see Kimberley Walsh of Girls Aloud presenting 'Antiques Roadshow', or Jessie J fielding the two teams on 'Bargain Hunt'?       

     
Somehow, that doesn't seem as unlikely as it would have seemed, thirty years ago, to see uber-hip Toyah and sexy vixen Kim Wilde presenting gardening and cookery programmes.  Which made me think - were the female pop stars of the 1980s just so much more cool than they are now?

Take the beautiful yet delightfully homely Kimberley Walsh, above,  - very much the sort of girl you could imagine mucking around with bedding plants and fish stock....

...as opposed to 1970/80s Siouxie Sioux....

Leading on from this, I was watching an old edition of 'The Old Grey Whistle Test' a few nights ago, featuring Siouxie and The Banshees, and the first thing I noticed was:

Hang on a minute! She's
FULLY CLOTHED!  

Think of not only Siouxie, Toyah and Kim, but also Bananarama, Chrissie Hynde, and even the lusted-after-by-every-man-in-the-world Debbie Harry.

Chrissie Hynde and Debbie Harry

They all wore CLOTHES. They were all cool and smart, sexy and edgy and 'street', which they managed to be without prancing around in their undergarments as if they were auditioning for porn movies..... 

Bananarama

     ....now, compare their attitude with the writhing, acquiescent posturing of Rhianna, Christine Aguilera, Shakira, Cheryl Cole, to name but a few. What sort of role models are they for young girls today?  

The ever ladylike and classy Cheryl Cole...

They give out the message that in order to be successful, attractive and appreciated, you must be seen as indiscriminately sexually available.  And not only available, but positively gagging for it.
 

Forget all our mothers fought for - let's rejoice in being sex objects once more!

These days, even the older ones aren't much better. Madonna, the queen of cool and edgy when she first appeared on the scene, is never out of her hotpants. The glamorous and breathtakingly beautiful JLo seems to think she has to compete with the twenty year olds when it comes to her promotional videos. Come on, loves, put your crotches away! Sticking your fishnet clad arse in the air and simulating sex on stage looks a bit desperate when you're over forty, however great your figure is.  

     Sexy doesn't have to mean letting it all hang out - whatever happened to an air of mystery?

The power of positive thinking

A certain rock star said, in his autobiography, that when he started out he just kept telling himself that he was a rock star, kept behaving like one, dressing like one, until, one day, he became one.

I've just read a tweet in which someone claimed to be 'the author taking Amazon by storm'.  When I clicked on the link to have a look at this storm, I found that the book was at number 51,000 +.  Yeah, they're really queuing round the block for that one, aren't they?

Then I realised that this claim had made me click on the link, and also take a brief look down the reviews.  Perhaps not such a daft thing to claim, after all?

Still didn't buy it, though.



This seems like an appropriate opportunity to mention my fab idea.  I want to open a bowling alley and advertise it as having "hundreds of lanes".  I shall call it "Hyperbole".