Wednesday 29 January 2014
..... yes, the woman I once was has checked out, left the building and may never be seen again.
Today I did it. I tried not to, and my hand hovered over them for many moments before I took them off the rack and put them into my trolley. But I did it. I succumbed.
I bought some BIG KNICKERS.
Alas, the days of the lacy mini brief, the high leg, and the 'no VPL' thongs are now history, because I have become the woman who looks at the selection of underwear in the shop, and chooses the full brief.
.....and most of us don't look anything like this airbrushed picture of a model in them, do we?
I've laughed through the fact that I haven't bought high heeled shoes for eight years, that my daily footwear of choice is hugh white furry boot slippers, and that I live in baggy patterned trousers and t-shirts, like a refugee from the Glastonbury of 20 years ago. Yet still I was hanging on to the last smidgens of making an effort.
Until the BIG KNICKERS.
(I have a feeling they're going to be one of the best finds of my life, like the furry boot slippers. Ssh! It's just between you and me, okay?)
Wednesday 8 January 2014
I've had it for breakfast, I've craved it in the middle of the afternoon, I've stood in the supermarket and thought, just don't buy it. If it's not in the house, I can't eat it. I'm okay if I don't take that first scoop. But I know beating this monkey on my back takes just one day at a time - and I am proud to announce that yesterday I DIDN'T HAVE ANY ICE CREAM!
I can now admit it at last - Hi, I'm Terry, and I'm an ice cream addict!
Just because Bradley Cooper does it, it's not okay! Thank goodness for ICAA ~ if you're an addict too, or think you might be, just take a look at the twelve step recovery plan, borrowed from Alcoholics Anoymous but made relevant to ice cream fiends everywhere.....
ICAA - The Twelve Steps
We admitted we were powerless over ice cream - that our lives had become unmanageable when faced with a tub of Carte D'or salted caramel.
(We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity)
We came to believe that a Power greater than our fridge freezer could restore us to a size 12.
(We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him)
We made a decision to turn our sweet tooth and helpless desire for Eton Mess at 3 in the morning over to the care of our loved ones, who agreed to padlock the freezer during night time hours.
(We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves)
We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of how much we'd spent on Haagen Dazs in the last twelve months.
(We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs)
We admitted to our best pal, to ourselves and to another human being (or the cat) the exact nature of our gluttony.
(We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character)
We were entirely ready to have our loved ones remove all half eaten tubs of Rum and Raisin.
(We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings)
We humbly asked them to remove the Weightwatchers Toffee Caramel Sundaes, too.
(We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.)
We made a list of all persons whose share of Raspberry Ripple we had eaten, and became willing to make amends to them all.
(We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others)
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would encourage them to be total ice cream monsters, too.
(We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it)
We continued to take personal inventory and when we were caught buying a White Chocolate Magnum, promptly admitted it.
(We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out)
We sought through prayer and willpower to improve our conscious contact with the fruit section in the supermarket as we understood it, praying only for knowledge of its nutritional value for us and the power to make tempting fruit salads.
(Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs)
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps (cross fingers), we tried to carry this message to other Cornetto worshippers and to practice these principles at night time when we're having a film binge.
Do what I did - if you think it's becoming a problem, beyond your control, seek help with ICAA - or, a year from now, this could be you!!
Good luck - don't end up like Britney...
Tuesday 7 January 2014
- At last, you understand why your aged parents like watching Miss Marple and Dad's Army...
- You go to do something like put the washing on, and discover you actually put it on about five minutes ago, though you have absolutely no recollection of doing so.
- You fancy a cup of tea and a toasted teacake when you come back from shopping.
- You think back fondly to the times of no internet and mobile phones, and tell people that it was much better, then.
- Instead of leaping forward with a bright smile and your best pose, you now avoid cameras. And mirrors.
- You try on the sexy high heels you haven't worn for some years, and wonder why on earth you ever put yourself through it.
- Since you last went to a wedding, you've been to at least five funerals.
- A younger friend shows you the new 'retro' style she can do on her new camera - and it makes her photos look just like all those ones in your photo album, of you when you were her age...
(and you actually have photo albums, too...)
- You are unaffected by pop culture, fashion and social trends as you've seen it all before, and know it's all just cyclical, anyway.
- All the actors you fancy are at least 45...
- You've smiled and nodded to at least half of these, and have your own to add, too!