No Sex Please, We're British - and no vomiting, either!

I was talking to two Twitter friends about this yesterday, and felt compelled to put rant to blog, as it were!


Why does every single drama/crime/thriller series on television these days have to include graphic humping scenes?  You never seem to get past the first 20 minutes without seeing a bare male bum thrusting up and down, or see the female character's legs wound round the male character's back, with full sound effects, complete with noisy climaxes, facial expressions, the lot.  Ordinary dramas show scenes that used to be restricted to soft porn films; the only thing you can't see is the actual penetration. 

Somehow it's not so bad on shows like Game Of Thrones, or Banshee (though that does get a bit OTT with it), which is fantasy, and at least the actors are, for the most part, pretty good looking, and it's artfully filmed and fairly sexy, though maybe a tad idealised - but I really, really don't want to see people like Kevin Whately on the job. Please, just don't.

Kevin, mate, you're not a bad actor, but I don't want to see you rogering the Mrs

Look, we all know that grown-ups have sex. Ordinary looking people, fat people, old people - but do we need to see it?  Couldn't we just be shown them talking, afterwards?

Which brings me onto something else.

Vomiting.

If someone is throwing up, it's enough for us to see them bend over, to hear them retching.  We don't need to SEE IT COMING OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS. Or the spittle round their mouths afterwards.  Oh, and I don't want to see anyone taking a dump, either.  Last night, in Fargo (excellent series!), we saw Billy Bob Thornton sit on the loo, and we heard the sound as - well, you know.  What's next, Glorious Smell-o-Vision so we can get the full effect? 

Everyone has bowel movements, snotty noses, everyone vomits, but showing it in all its glorious detail doesn't make the character or the scene more real, it's just - well, a bit revolting, really.  As for the realistic sex scenes - well, most people look pretty daft when they're doing it, don't they?  Porn films are carefully edited to look erotic. I just hope this current trend doesn't filter into soap operas - I badly don't want to see Owen and Anna/Gail Platt and current oddball (I lose track) having a little Saturday night slap and tickle.

Owen and Anna on Corrie - no! please no!

Yes, yes, I know, they couldn't because of the 9pm watershed - though it actually means nothing anyway, as everything is available on 'catch up'!


All comments most welcome, and please feel free to add to this!

All you need to know about punctuation!

Do you worry that your punctuation is not perfect? 

Someone just sent me this amusing piece on an email - it's all you need to know!

"We commas are nice wee friendly chaps with pointy chins. We jump into sentences to make you take a pause. Don't be putting us at the end of a sentence, mind!   Our chums the full stops have big black tummies and tell you to STOP reading for a second; they're the canny fellows ye need at the end!   Exclamation marks are usually tall thin girls who make you say OOOH AAAGH LOOK AT ME!!! We all get together and help clever people to write ikky little stories. And you know what? They could nae do it without us. Nor could they do without clever blog posts that tell them how to use us!"

Well, actually, we could, Mr Comma... but if you didn't pay attention in school, or have a few problems with the rest of it (like the difference between quotation and speech marks - quotation marks are the ones with  - oh, never mind) it doesn't matter - the proofreader will sort it all out!

Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived...

**Kings and Queens and Last Child are both just 99p/99c from April 23-26 only**

... those six women who married that most famous of English kings, Henry VIII.  I've read so much about all six, and find that in fiction they're portrayed differently each time.  Anne Boleyn: hard-hearted and ambitious or a pawn of her father and uncle?  Katherine Howard: victim or gold-digging minx?  We don't know for sure ~ all we can do is read the best researched books on the subject. 

My novel Kings and Queens, is a look through a mirror at their story, taking it into the twentieth century; it tells of Harry Lanchester, successful property developer, and the women in his life.  I wrote it because the women have always fascinated me; I used to draw them when I was a child.  Writing it gave me an opportunity to present them as I saw them, even though I am not a historical fiction author.

I've given my own opinion of the six here, and a word or two about how I translated them into my own characters ~ it's far from an in-depth anaysis, just a brief snapshot of each.  

Which was your favourite of Henry's wives?

 ~ Catherine of Aragon ~

The first wife, to whom Henry was married to for longer than all the others put together, and whose religion mattered more to her than anything else, even having a close relationship with her daughter, and her own happiness and comfort.  I know Catherine was a dutiful, loyal, selfless woman who was loved by many, and so supportive to Henry when he was young, a truly good wife ~ but I've never warmed to her very much.  Of course, it's impossible to put myself in the position of a 16th century member of the Spanish aristocracy who'd been brought up to revere the Virgin Mary above all others, but I tried to see her just as a woman, too. I put all of her sterling qualities into Cathy Ferdinand, Harry's first wife, but also her stubbornness - and what I consider her decision not to acknowledge certain realities.

Maria Doyle Kennedy as Catherine of Aragon in the Showtime production of The Tudors

~ Anne Boleyn ~

Probably the most well known, and certainly my favourite.  Anne Boleyn was enigmatic, alluring, beautiful, intelligent, witty, clever, with enough feminine mystique to bring a King to his knees.  So much has been written about her; I hardly scratched the surface.  Historian David Starkey devoted more than a third of his book Six Wives to her.  A wonderful picture of her early years and formation of her character is given in Gemma Lawrence's La Petite Boulain.  For me the big question was always whether or not she really did love Henry, or whether her seduction of him remained a political move, as portrayed in Phillipa Gregory's The Other Boleyn Girl.  I like to think there was genuine love on both sides; I showed this in the grand passion between Annette Hever and Harry, in my novel.  Being set in the 20th century, Kings and Queens is somewhat light on beheadings, though my husband pointed out that eventually poor Annette did, in fact, lose her head...

Natalie Dormer as Anne, in The Tudors; I thought she was perfect in this part

~ Jane Seymour ~

Jane Seymour is often thought of as the 'good wife', meek and mild, the antithesis of Anne Boleyn.  She was said to be his favourite, not least because she was the only one to bear him a son.  I wonder, though; had she not met an early death, might she not have bored him or displeased him, too? Also, I wonder if her marriage to him was every bit as much a product of her own and her family's ambition, as that of her predecessor.  I show this in Jenny Seymour, Harry's third wife; as well as being demure and sweetly girlish, she is also very determined, a little smug - and very sure of what she wants....  

Anita Briem alongside Jonathan Rhys Meyers in the Showtime production; I preferred her as Jane, rather than Annabelle Wallis who played her in the subsequent series

~ Anne of Cleves ~

Oh, poor Anne of Cleves!  She is my second favourite after Anne Boleyn. Many people know, now, that it's a myth that she was ugly; I read that Henry never actually called her a 'Flanders Mare' at all.  It was more that they had an unfortunate first meeting, the 'chemistry' was not there, and she'd had a very sheltered upbringing and had no idea how to be alluring to her husband.  Once the unconsummated marriage was annulled, she continued to be welcome at Court and outlived them all; I have illustrated her disappointment and subsequent survival in Hannah Cleveley, who has proved to be most readers' favourite character in Kings and Queens.

 Joss Stone made a charming Anne of Cleves!

~ Katherine Howard ~

I always felt sorry for Katherine Howard.  She was little more than a child; in those days you didn't get any choice in the matter if the King of England wanted to marry you ~ and thus her youth was cut short.  Of course she was not wise to have begun an affair with Thomas Culpepper, but she was a young girl in love who was too daft to realise what would happen.  In Kings and Queens, however, I decided to make Keira Howard something of a gold digger; keeping the story feasible was one of the biggest problems I faced, and I reckoned that this would work better as an up to date translation of her circumstances - not to mention her somewhat lurid past....

Tamzin Merchant as Katherine, facing her death

~ Catherine Parr ~

Here's another one I felt sorry for; Catherine Parr, who wanted to marry Thomas Seymour, and had to quell not only her feelings for him but also her Lutheran leanings, in order to marry the ageing king.  I knew little about her before I did my research, and was surprised to find her one of the most interesting; I hope this comes across in the character of my final wife, Kate Latimer, which was one of the chapters I enjoyed writing the most; she, too, has turned out to be a readers' favourite.

Joely Richardson, intelligent, dignified and charming, which is how I saw both Catherine and Kate.

Kings and Queens is essentially a contemporary drama; it is not necessary to know anything about these fascinating ladies in order to enjoy it.  For those who would like to know a little background about the life of Henry VIII before reading, there is a link to my mini-bio blog post in the front of the book.  

Here is the book, if you would like to have a look:

Amazon UK

Amazon.com

ps: February 2015
The sequel to Kings and Queens, LAST CHILD, is now live.  I've written about it, with links, HERE

The Writing Process Blog Tour

I've been nominated by Scott Bury for the 'My Writing Process' Blog tour - thank you, Scott!  Here is his post:
http://scottswrittenwords.blogspot.ca/2014/04/hopping-on-writing-process-blog-tour.html

I was also asked by N E David (thank you again, N, and for giving me a different slant on it!) - so here is his blog http://www.nedavid.com/writing-life/, too!

I have to answer four questions about what, why and how I write, then link to the bloggers that tagged me, and tag two or three more authors in turn. 

Okaaaay - here are the questions and my answers....

1.  What am I working on now?

I'm currently working on a novella, a light 'beach read' type of thing; it's about the same sort of concept as my novel The Other Side, ie, parallel lives, what might have happened if we'd turned a different corner/made a different decision, etc - all those 'but what if I'd....' questions!  Very Sliding Doors - it's a subject that fascinates me.  

The very act of just missing a tube train gave Gwyneth Paltrow not only a different life, but a different hairdo!

I needed to write something a bit lighter - and shorter - after finishing my latest novel, Kings and Queens, which was something of a marathon!  I worked on it every day all through the winter - even Christmas Day!  I think the new one is going to be called Round and Round  

2.  How does my work differ from others in its genre?

That's a hard one, as my novels don't really fit into one genre - as is agreed by several regular readers.  One review said that I have 'a genre all of my own'!  I suppose they're more 'real life' than some of the romantic suspense or contemporary women's fiction genre, and maybe more humorous, sometimes, too.  And not necessarily just for women.  It's so hard to analyse your own work, I think.

More real than most romantic suspense?  It's impossible for me to say!

3.  Why do I write what I do?

For this one I really can't think of an answer apart from 'I don't know'.  Although I take great care with unpredictable plot twists (I love working out the red herrings!), my biggest interest is in the dynamics of the relationships - and not just the love ones.  I find people's emotional reactions and issues fascinating, so I suppose that interest sparks off my weird non-genre of choice!  If a story arrives in my mind to such an extent that I want to develop it, then away I go, but those ideas are completely random - I mean, I don't think, ooh, I'll write a heartwarming tale to catch the Christmas market, or anything like that - maybe I should, I'd probably sell a shedload more books!  When I got the idea for Kings and Queens, I was sitting in bed watching The Tudors.  I suddenly thought, isn't this a brilliant story?  I wonder if I could translate all that intrigue and drama into the present day?  And thus, you have it - the story of property developer Harry Lanchester, and his six wives (well, five in mine!).

Showing the intriguing Annette Hever, and her historical counterpart, Anne Boleyn!

4.  How does my writing process work?

It's the same for each book.  I get an idea, and mull it around in my head; sometimes I discuss it with my sister and my husband.  At some point, I start writing a few scribbled notes.  When I've decided what the actual story is, I write a very basic chapter plan - I never do this until I've decided on the ending, because I think that every sentence in a novel should be relevant to the plot, and all threads should move towards the conclusion, even if that conclusion has several aspects. However convoluted those threads might be, however seemingly insignificant they seem when first being read, each element in each novel I write is a part of the whole.  I don't like books that have superfluous detail about subjects irrelevant to the plot, particularly where the writer has wandered off into self-indulgence; I like to make every sentence count.  

I do any necessary research before starting to write, too - which meant about two months' reading for Kings and Queens.  My books are very 'character driven', so I spend a long time working out ways by which my characters' actions will be feasible; I am so wary of making events occur just for the sake of moving the plot forward, or characters suddenly changing personality half way through. I write little timeline charts as I go along to help with continuity.  

Courtesy of author and writing coach Rayne Hall

Then I write 'Chapter One', and the process begins once more.  First draft, nice spaces between each subsequent ones so that I can see it with fresh eyes ... and, yes, I always get that that 'this is a load of crap' bit around 6k words....

I hope that was of some interest to some people!  I am tagging:

JD Hughes http://jdhugheswriter.wordpress.com/

Cynthia Harrison http://www.cynthiaharrison.com/ 


Georgia Rose http://www.georgiarosebooks.com/


KINGS AND QUEENS
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kings-Queens-Terry-Tyler-ebook/dp/B00JX5ZU30

http://www.amazon.com/Kings-Queens-Terry-Tyler-ebook/dp/B00JX5ZU30

The Eleven Most Irritating Characters on 24!

Jack is back, and isn't it wonderful?  I am sure I am not the only one who is so delighted it's almost pathetic...!  

Roll on next month!!


Last year I listed my Top 20 best characters in 24:
http://terrytyler59.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/a-tribute-to-24.html

.... and now I'd like to present my eleven most irritating!  It's a personal thing, of course; one man's funny guy is another's aggravating idiot, made harder by the fact that some characters started off irritating but ended up superbly bad (eg., Dana Walsh; however, that pout still has her bubbling under at number 11, I can assure you).  Others some were irritating for a long time but then redeemed themselves (Michelle Dessler admitting she did love Tony after all, and then helping in the Jack's-Not-Really-Dead plot, Paul Raines being a total tit but then saving Jack's life), and some were irritating but such fabulously well drawn  characters that there is no WAY they can be included here (Charles Logan). 

Here we go, then!

At number 10 it's ditzy girly Marie Warner, sister of the totally cool and gorgeous Kate, from Series 2; even when we found out she was an undercover baddie she was still super irritating ~ and that wig....

Sharing the number 10 spot is Farhad Hassan - not only evil and crass, but the owner of the most irritating hairstyle in the whole eight series!

Exuding great menace at number 9, it's Cheng Zhi, evil head of security at the Chinese Consulate who imprisoned our Jack, just after he'd saved the world again at the end of Series 5 - it's not his evil that's so irritating, but his air of "ah so, look at my inscrutable face and know that in me, the ruthless Cheng Zhi, there is no human frailty."  I thought he was really silly.

Strutting her stuff at number 8 is Sandra Palmer - very worthy, but didn't she go ON???  And on, and on??  One of those small people who compensate by making themselves heard... and heard... and heard....

I did actually want to put Kim Bauer as number 8, because she seriously gets on my nerves, but I think it would be unkind to Jack, especially as my choice for number 7 is....

"I can't remember my name!  Where am I?  Anyway,  how did a humourless ostrich like me ever land superman-with-a heart Jack Bauer?"  Yes, chaps, it's Teri Bauer.... look, I know she did the right thing by saving Kim from being raped back in series 1, but the rest of the time....

At number 6, the sneaky little jobsworth Janis Gold, who tried to thwart the wonderful Chloe!  I couldn't even stand LOOKING at her!

Heading for the top now, and crawling along like a smarmy lizard at number 5 we have revolting Miles Papazian, with his facial craters, horrible pale crocodile eyes, sexist attitude, and triumphant marching off to DC as soon as he'd mucked up the recovery of the tape that incriminated Charles Logan...

The biggest incentive ever to work out your own problems ~ Number 4 is uber-pillock psychotherapist Barry "everyone breathe" Landes (and yes, Jack, of course there was something disgustingly creepy about his relationship with Kim!)

Flouncing about and making everyone's blood boil at number 3 we have the HORRENDOUS spoilt, full of herself Miss Olivia Taylor, daughter of President Alison Taylor, who made me want to smash the screen several times during series 7!

Seriously vomit inducing now, right?  The runner up, and second most irritating, for me, was the grotty, whiney, spoilt, self-indulgent little wimp Richard Heller, who thought the world centred round him, and had no concept of what it meant to be who he was.... and WHY couldn't Audrey have hinted to him about that stuff called shampoo?  And, like, scissors?  And, y'know, a razor?

Drum roll.....

The moment you've been waiting for!  

Number one in my list of The Ten Most Irritating Characters in 24 is.... (further drum roll)....

Maya Driscoll

...... short-lived CTU manager Erin Driscoll's loopy, manipulative daughter, who couldn't get it through her supposedly schizophrenic head that her wanting to go home with her mum wasn't quite as important as Mum managing an operation to save a million people from suffering horrendous deaths courtesy of Monsieur Bierkov and his nerve gas.  

"Never mind that you're trying to save the future of the nation, I'm going to hit that nasty nurse and I'm not talking my pills, so there!"  And don't get me started on her attack on the next door neighbour's son.... I saw a picture of the actress when I was looking for these pictures, incidentally, and she looks nothing like her in real life ~ amazing acting!  Even if it did make me nearly throw the telly out of the window....!!

Comments welcome!