Do you remember that episode of Sex And The City, when the four women are sitting around a table in a restaurant discussing the new man in Miranda's life, who is, she says, 'giving off mixed signals'? When she can't decide what it means when he declines her offer of 'coffee'; they've been out a few times but she's not quite sure where it's going. The others offer suggestions - perhaps he's been hurt recently, maybe he has issues with commitment - hey, perhaps he had an early meeting to go to next day...
Also present at this lunch is Carrie's new boyfriend, Jack Berger. The ladies turn to him and ask him for the man's point of view. Why does he think Miranda's new man is holding back? Berger looks a bit uncomfortable and says those words: "perhaps he's just not that into you."
The girls are horrified, but Miranda is the first to agree with what he's saying.
As you may know, there is not only a film, but also a book about all this stuff - how to tell if a guy is just not that into you - as if you really need telling! But sometimes we do, though, don't we? Men and women both...
I touched upon this subject in my much read blog post entitled Love Truths ~
http://terrytyler59.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/love-truths.html ~ and I was thinking about it today because of the various love conundrums in my current novel-in-progress. We've all kidded ourselves at some point...
Years ago, this girl I knew (I'll call her Sally) was telling me about this guy she'd been going out with for two months. She was nuts about him. It was all 'Adam said this' and 'Adam thinks that'. I never actually saw him with her; when (carefully) questioned, she said that she'd met him at a party, then he'd phoned her a week later, and they'd gone out a week after that. They'd spoken on the phone once or twice (I suspected it was once rather than twice), but then he went on holiday skiing with his friends. They'd met up for lunch shortly after he got back, and he'd phoned her last week and talked about taking her out the next. So, she reckoned she'd been going out with him for two months. This sequence of events, during which she had met up with him precisely twice, had taken place over a period of two months, yes... He was very busy, she told me, which is why he couldn't see her very often. I'd be willing to put money on the fact that Sally rarely cropped up in Adam's thoughts.
I've seen a fair few other friends, over the years, going through angst for months over some bloke who only wanted to see them once a week, and I've wanted to say to them, look, if the guy wanted to see you more than that, he would; but of course it's hard to say that, isn't it? So I've trotted out all those platitudes, just like Miranda's friends: you know what he went through with Jane/Charlotte/Mabel; perhaps he's scared of getting hurt again. That football must take up a lot of his time. His job's so demanding, he probably doesn't feel like going out during the week. Etc, etc, etc. I've talked to male friends who've told me all about women they like who've kept them guessing with those wretched 'mixed signals'..... hell, I'll admit it, I've done it too, in me younger single days. Kidded myself, I mean. Spent one or two evenings with some chap, heard nothing, then made a point of going to the pub he was likely to be in. It's all pointless. If someone wants to spend time with you, you know about it. If they don't, turning up in their local, rock chicked up to the nines, won't make them fancy you any more than they do already, which is probably not very much. My theory is this: if you have to discuss with your friends whether or not he/she really cares for you, then it's likely he/she doesn't.
D'you remember that awful waiting-by-the-phone thing? Before mobiles, before you could just text someone, before 'friending' them on Facebook before you even went out with them, when you had to sit in and wait for that wretched phone call? There is no silence more deafening than a phone that refuses to ring! Then there are those excuses you make ~
Maybe he had an emergency at work
Perhaps his phone is out of order
Hey, perhaps MY phone is out of order. Operator? Operator?
He might have lost my phone number
He might have had some terrible accident....
Wrong, wrong, wrong! It doesn't matter how busy someone is, if phoning you is important, they'll make the time. Even if they really have lost your number, they'll find SOME way of getting in touch.
There's something gruesomely intriguing about observing people who won't take that unsaid 'no' for an answer, isn't there? Maybe it's a case of "there but by the good sense God gave me, go I"!! I wrote about a Facebook stalker in the first book I published On Amazon, You Wish, and had great fun making Petra do some cringe-makingly awful things....
Then there's the other side - you know what it's like when someone's keener on you than you are on them? It's so hard to let them down, isn't it? You keep hoping they'll get the message without you having to spell it out!
Nobody wants to be that person, do they?
If you're waiting on someone's phone calls, wondering why he keeps putting you off, remember that if he doesn't call you, if he lets you down over and over again, it's probably just because he's not that into you. What to do about it? Right, here's the solution! I promise you, it works....
.... stop tearing your hair out over why he won't commit, and accept that maybe he just isn't bothered. Guys, she perhaps just wants someone to take her out when she hasn't got anyone else around. Once you realise that you can't make someone have that 'thing' for you when they just haven't, you'll be free to go out and find someone who will - and IS that into you!!!
I love how you just tell it like it is! So true! I hope, and would think, that being older and wiser and having been there, that I will have learned from the past. Only time will tell if/when I fall for someone new and he does not contact me as much as I think he should "If he is really into me!"
Ha ha, thanks for reading, pet! All I can say is that if he's not all that into YOU, he must have poor taste, fo'sho!!! :) xxDelete
Hah! Or she.ReplyDelete
Aye, pet, but I think you know to take any he in posts like this to mean he/she/donkey/wombat, depending on your preference - but I'd steer clear of those wombats, like I said t'other day. A flighty lot....Delete
Oy, I remember those days. So glad they're behind me! (And so glad I took the time to read, because "You Wish" was the book I was trying to remember that I once had planned to buy when I finished all my other eBooks, which just happened this week. Whoa, that was a mouthful...)ReplyDelete
Ha ha, Abby!! Well, that's good for you and good for me - and yes, isn't it lovely when those days are behind you - couldn't agree more... all that will he, won't he, is he, isn't he, stuff - and the endless discussions... urrrgh! Thanks for reading and commenting xDelete
.... oh, and I hope you enjoy cringe-ing along with Petra! :)Delete
Loved reading your post Terry! I have a two day rule...if we appeared to connect on the first date, you don't need to call the next day (although they usually do ;) ), but if you snooze and don't call for two days...then YOU lose...even if you later come to your senses...I don't like anybody but my kids that much anyway. I have a question for you...which is your favorite book of the ones that you've written and why?ReplyDelete
Christina - loving your rule!!! I found when I was single that my relationships started more casually, like accidentally getting pissed together in the pub and taking it from there, but the same principles apply - you know if someone wants to be with you or not!Delete
Re my books - I'm really sorry but I just can't answer that question. I think Full Circle is the best, simply because it's the latest and thus the best edited, as one learns all the time. Then again, I love all the guy stuff in Dream On... and character-wise I feel the closest to Adrienne in Nobody's Fault... but I loved writing The Other Side because it was something I always wanted to do - and You Wish was my first after a writing break of 10 years, so that's kind of special, too.... no, I really, really can't answer it. A slight leaning towards Dream On, that's all :)
If someone really likes you, you'll know all about it. End of. That episode of Sex And The City was a revelation, and I bought the book. (The film was crap, but Bradley Cooper was in it, and I know he loves me really, he's just very busy right now). And I cringed reading about Petra, too!ReplyDelete
Julia, you just said it in two sentences. I needn't have written this article, really. (btw, I think Bradley DOES love you, he just has trouble expressing his feelings, and he's holding back a bit because he's scared of getting hurt again, and then of course he's so influenced by his mates, who want him to spend the whole weekend either playing footie or in the pub, and then.....)Delete
Yes, I never watched Sex and the City and what I know about love and romance could be writeen on a small postage stamp. So it's always interesting to get a woman's point of view about all these things. One thing I;ve noticed: women are always the ruthlessly honest ones in a relationship, they;re very practical and matter of fact about it all. Men tend more to be dreamers I thinkReplyDelete
Geoff, I think the reason SOME (by no means all!) women are usually more honest about these things is that they get to discuss them with their friends alot, whereas men don't! I think men are more idealistic, certainly :)Delete
The book was great! And so true. We've all (yes even a glamorous witty gal like me) mistaken friendship for a helluva lot more. I DO recall the non-ringing phone!! And doing the ''me or the motorbike'' challenge to a boyf in my teens (guess what he chose?0 Great post.ReplyDelete
Oh goodness, I'm cringing myself. I remember very well having yearnings for a guy who I was convinced felt the same way about me, but was just too much of a gentleman to say so or let me know. I was in another, failing relationship at the time. I am now so glad I didn't make an idiot of myself and pursue him. Luckily I'm 'too polite' and also too typically English to let go of my reserve in that respect. I think it saved me from immense embarrassment. Still, I can look back without losing my illusion completely. Maybe he did like me, but was just being….well, you know :-)ReplyDelete
Yeah.. maybe he had commitment issues, or was afraid of gerring hurt... ha ha!!! :) Honestly, Val, I remember in my younger days spending hours and hours discussing with friends what some bloke may or may not feel about them... all SO pointless! I think what my sister (Julia) said, further up, encapsulates the whole thing! Thanks for reading and commenting xxDelete
Cheers, C! Yes, it's a good thing you learnt the 'me or the motorbike' lesson early! Yes, I loved the book too - basically, what it was saying is that most of the men you hook up with in life will make you pissed off and won't care about it that much, so stop wasting all that emotional energy on them and do something more sensible. However, I'm glad I didn't, because if I had done so I'd having nothing to write aboot in me novs :)ReplyDelete
Great post! Now I have the urge to read the book. It sounds like an interesting read.ReplyDelete
Hi, thanks for reading! Well, if you do, I hope you enjoy - the link to my books is at the top right hand corner of this page - the UK link, anyway - I haven't worked out how to put two on yet!!! :)Delete
Glad you liked the post too :)
Such a brilliant post! A great read, thank you.ReplyDelete
Thanks for reading and commenting, Mike - glad you liked it!Delete