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Sunday, 14 February 2021
When you're at home all the time (and have been since March 2020...)
Develop satisfying projects, like re-writing your 200-book-long TBR list in order of preference, or training your eyebrows into a different shape with artful plucking.
...or, you notice the forest where your eyebrows used to be, and decide to stop looking in the mirror/not cut your fringe after all.
Experience extreme irritation if the shower gel has been put back in the wrong place (and have arguments with other household members about who committed this crime).
Consider taking the two-minute walk up to local shop... if you can be bothered to go. Because it means putting on boots, and a coat, and finding that damn mask, and... on the other hand, it is an outing.
Consider putting on make-up for the occasion then realise that there is no point because the mask will cover most of it and the eyebrow-hiding fringe will cover the rest.
Dance to the music the washing machine plays at the end of its cycle.
Start revving up in anticipation of a new picture on the calendar, from about the 26th of each month.
Have still not read all those books you thought you would have time for.
Are super-chatty to the Asda delivery man,
to the extent that he has to say, 'Well, I'd better let you get on."
Have a purse full of notes that have been there for at least six months. Sometimes you look inside, see coins, and say, "Well, darn it, I wonder what those little bitty things are for?"
Consider rearranging your bookshelves in colours of the rainbow.
Get excited about your new tea towels arriving from M&S.
Order more things you don't really need because it's so lovely to get packages.
Discover what your real hair colour is.
Looks at your lipsticks with a tearful nostalgia. That's the trouble with those damn masks... oh, Mac Ripened and Kinda Sexy, how I miss you!
Develop peculiar preferences for domestic objects; for instance, a favourite butter knife. I have a favourite spoon for transferring the coffee from cannister to cup, and am pleased when I find it in the drawer, rather than still unwashed from the last cup. On the other hand, I do have a back-up second best. Now, let me tell you about my favourite spoon for transferring small amount of Flora Plant Butter from butter dish to vegetables in colander. Only when it's spring greens, carrots and asparagus, mind...
Are convinced it's Sunday, even though the calendar tells you it's Thursday. What if you've been forgetting to tear the pages off, though? How would you know?
Have long ago stopped listening to the current lockdown rules, and just assume you can't go anywhere or do anything.
Get excited about a trip to Waitrose, and try on different scarf/jacket/earring combinations.
Look at your high heels and wonder how you ever wore them. More to the point, why.
Feel like the characters on The Walking Dead or whichever series you are currently watching are actually your friends.
... and PayPal has become an online friend.
Develop little routines that must be adhered to. I am only one step away from having a checklist of things that must be done before bed, order of business for the morning before I start writing, etc.
Have already bought all suitable items from the 'loungewear' section of M&S Online, and eagerly await the spring collection
Notice that the week-per-view diary, which used to include lunches with girlfriends/reminders to book trains/hotels/all manner of appointments, etc., now reflects how Alexei Sayle described a leaflet that came through his door entitled 'What's On In Stoke Newington': 'A big sheet of paper with 'fuck all' written on it.'
(....no, scrap that, I just saw a diary entry for Thursday! Oh...it says 'wash towels'.)
Thank you to my sister, Julia, for her contributions!
(Please note: I realise that there are far more serious issues connected with the prolonged lockdown. This is just a bit of fun, to lighten up a dull Monday morning... or is it Wednesday?)